Having a hard time finding my Big Girl Panties...

It has been so incredibly long since I've blogged because I figure not every blog that I post should be depressing. Well, I'm sorry people but that is what is going on in my life right now and if you don't like it, then don't read it.
For almost two weeks now I feel as though I have been stuck in the mud, spinning my wheels, going nowhere and making a bigger mess of things than they already were. The worst summer and/or 3 months of my life is coming to an end. The whole summer seems to be in somewhat of a fog and everything hurts too much to think about. My whole world has been turned upside down and I've spent especially the last week doing nothing but dwelling on that and having a flipping pity party about it. I haven't talked to hardly anyone, I've neglected all the important people in my life besides my mom and now I sit here realizing how truly alone I am. I've lost my best friend. 3 of my closest friends moved away to college this last week. I said good-bye to one of them. And now it's too late and I feel nothing but regret that I did not pull myself out of my hole to spend a little more time with them before they left. Old friends that left at the beginning of the summer have told me that I've been missed, asked me how I've been, tried to be encouraging. And I've ignored them. And now more time has gone by than I realized before and once again I regret that I did not take a little more time to reply, to do something. My friends that are right here with me have not seen or heard from me in weeks. And until recently, I didn't care. I only wanted to be alone to try and repair the hole in my heart that death left there. I never thought that I would fall apart in a situationlike this, to be put right back in the rut I thought I was finally crawling out of. I owe a lot of people apologies and I don't know how to go about repairing the damage that has been done.
I only hope this next semester is better. That I will be able to possibly figure out what I'm doing with my life. It's not going to be anything close to what I thought it was going to be less than a month ago, but I guess we have to accept change and work with what is in front of us.


Music is ever inspiring. Here's a song I hadn't heard in a long time and I feel describes what seems to be happening in my head right now.

"It's My Life"

Looking out the airplane window
Thirty thousand miles of shadow
All the silver linings bend into the night
Never any hesitation
Never any explanation
I wish I had a ticket off this flight

Everything keeps moving fast
What I want is what I have
Right now, I’m closer that I thought I could be

It’s my life, my time to find the answers
Don’t always know what kind of road is in front of me
But I’ll go slow wanna remember every moment
That this is by the goodness ride has ever been
It’s my life

In times I really miss my family
I wonder what they're doing right now
I know their thinking of me
I can’t imagine where I’m going
But I know where it is I come from
And it makes me feel complete

Everything keeps moving fast
What I want is what I have
Right now, I’m closer that I thought I could be

It’s my life, my time to find the answers
Don’t always know what kind of road is in front of me
But I’ll go slow wanna remember every moment
That passes by the goodness ride has ever been
It’s my life, it’s my life

And it’s a real good fight
Trying to find what’s mine
Tryin’ to be who I’m supposed to be
It’s my life, its my time to find the answers
Don’t always know what kind of road is in front of me
But I’ll go slow wanna remember every moment
That passes by the goodness ride has every thing
It’s my life

I'm getting motion sickness....

The freaking roller coaster of life is making me sick! Just when things are starting to look up, it all comes crashing back down again. Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse, they did. My poor mother is at her wit's end with my siblings, my older brother is having more job/money trouble, and I'm cracking under stress. And then on top of everything, I haven't even had my car a week and already it's out of comission!

The running over of this:


Resulted in this:


Which means we're back to this:


Until I can order new tires, it's back to the beast. Dang construction on my road. ARGH!

I just want my Aveo back. :(

FML!

Problem Solved??

The endorphins are back! After my long and full day yesterday, I didn't really have a chance to get as much exercise in as I wanted to so I was a little nervous about my run this morning. I took an advil before I headed out and did a good amount of stretching before my warm-up walk. I tried running more, with shorter distance with walking in between and you know what? I had a freaking epiphany! (or was it an epitome?...) I HAVE BEEN RUNNING WRONG! That is totally part of why I hurt so bad! Halfway through my run, I remembered someone telling me when I was on the track team in jr. high that when you run, specifically sprint, you should run on the balls of your feet, not roll your whole foot. So I decided to try it and you know what?! I was able to run farther and even more! Don't get me wrong, I still hurt and I'm getting new shoes, but I didn't hurt half as bad today as I did Monday. I'm hoping that's the majority of the reason and now I won't hurt so much when I run! In short, I felt great after my workout today... :)

You go Glenn Cocoa!!

Pretty much the best day ever. I have been in the market for a new car for over a year now and finally the opportunity of a lifetime presented itself.

Meet Glenn Cocoa! My new 2008 Chevy Aveo!



What fabulous trunk space!



It was love at first sight!

Frustrated and Discouraged

So I'm feeling really frustrated today and it's not even noon yet. I had a really hard time yesterday because it's now two weeks since my Grandpa Grundvig passed away. I miss him so much. I didn't do hardly anything I was intending on doing. I didn't study for my test or my final that I took this morning like I had wanted to. I still feel like I did pretty good, but it's just frustrating that I have no desire to do anything. I wanted to exercise a little too, just simple stuff with free weights and my exercise ball, but I didn't do that either. Instead I laid in bed for three hours. This morning I got up at six with fresh determination to keep up on my training. But alas, my shin splints were killer today, even with anti-inflammatory medicine. I know I could keep running and go twice as far as I can right now if my dang shins wouldn't hurt so bad. I'm positive it's because of my shoes. I've had them for over a year. According to active.com, it's time to get a new pair of shoes when yours have logged between three and five hundred miles. I think mine have done well beyond that between work, regular walking and the fact that I wear my nike's almost everyday because I love them so much. The issue is I want to get really good running shoes that are designed for my type of stride and step which means I need to go up north and spend good money at a sports store. Running is imprtant enough to me right now though that I am going to do it. I don't want to hurt, and I want to be healthy. And I want so badly to successfully cross that finish line on Oct. 9 with my friends and family having run the entire distance.



my good ole nikes...

Loving to Run

I realized today how much I am enjoying working on building my cardio endurance and working so hard to be healthier. I didn't have time to work out this morning and I was dragging all day long. I was more tired than usual, even though I had more sleep and I was so jittery. I had a chance to go running later and I really felt fantastic! I feel like I'm not getting winded as fast, although my shin splints are still bothering me a bit. BUT! the more I run, the less they hurt! Weird huh? Anyway, I ran more tonight than I ever have before in one workout. A total of 3 laps running with 4 walking in between some of those. Mostly I run half and quarter laps, but tonight I managed to run a full lap without stopping! I was so proud of myself! And this is only my second full week of training! I'm so excited and I can't wait to go run again in the morning. :)

An up in the middle of all the downs!

Today has been fantastic compared to my wreck of a day yesterday. I started the day off right by going running/walking for 90 minutes with two of my besties, Meg and Kelt. It felt great! I then studied for my class, helped my mom prep for her surgery and picked up my brothers from day camp. After my class, I picked the kidders back up from Grandma's and got to spend the rest of the day with the little hoolagins (LOVE them!) while my dad stayed out at the hospital with my mom. She had knee surgery today, and they ended up having to do a little more than originally anticipated so she was in recovery for a long time. She came home though, looking exhausted, but walking! I know the healing time is a pain, but she will feel so much better! I ended the day the way I started. Another run/walk with Meg! I think I'm beginning to experience what is known as "runner's high" even though I can't run all that far yet without my shins screaming in pain. I managed 1/2 a mile this evening though and I'm so dang proud of myself! I will run this 5k yet and I'm so looking forward to crossing that finish line triumphant!

I also want to thank everyone who has helped me through this tremendously difficult time in my life. I couldn't have done it without the support of my friends and family! Love you all!