Naughty Farrah!

I am so bad about updating my blog! Honestly, I keep forgetting and then when I remember, the stupid wi-fi decides that it's not going to work, for hours. Anyway, I'll do my best to fill in on all the important details...
3 weeks ago today I moved from my home town about 3 1/2 hours south to Cedar City to attend the university. I was so nervous about my roommate situation, employment situation, class situation and study situation. My roommates are phenomenal! There are four of us living in one apartment, and we ALL get along great! We are all so different, but we respect each other's property, preferences, and hobbies. We have "roommate dinner," "roommate movies," and "support which show your roommate wants to watch" dates. Which means I have started watching WWE 'Raw' and 'Teen Mom' as well as 'Jershey Shore' but it's so much fun! And I feel so lucky that I was put with such amazing people. I do think it's funny, however that all 3 of my roomies requested non-LDS apartment mates and they got stuck with me!
As far as class and study goes, I love my classes and I am loving what I am learning! Being in a new place and starting fresh has really made me remember how much I love to learn. I feel newly invigorated to keep up in every one of my classes and it is such a great feeling. As far as the employment situation goes, I'm still working on that one.
All the positive has not come with no negative however. I feel like I'm handling the challenges so much better despite past difficulties. I'm thinking clearly and logically and am trying so hard not to let the speedbumps bring me down. The first weekend after classes had begun we had a get together at our apartment with a group of people we had become friends with that mostly consisted of foreign exchange students. I found out by accident a few days later that I was known as 'The Ugly One' among several of them. My roommates and several others in the group had my back on that one though and certain individuals are no longer allowed over and I recieved a very heartfelt apology. It still hurt though. For those who know me, it's not hard to realize I'm somewhat self-conscious no matter how hard I try not to be. I managed to pick myself back up and dust off fairly easily from that one. I can't allow petty things like that to hinder me from moving forward. What good would it do to dwell on what some jerk said and let it affect how I see myself for the rest on my life? I'm not blind nor stupid. I know I'm not the most attractive person or the hottest thing on the block, but I'm comfortable in my own skin and I love who I am. I'm not perfect by any means, but I try very hard to constantly improve.
The next challenge was the passing of my Grandpa Nelson a few days ago. Although death is never easy, this death was taken as more of a relief than a true tragedy. He has been sick for years and he is now free of his suffering and is able to walk and talk easily and has been reunited with his family. I love my Grandpa and he will be greatly missed. Sadly I think I'm having more of a hard time than I usually would just because it is causing me to relive my Grandpa Grundvig's death which occured a little over a year ago. I still just have to be so grateful for the promise of eternal family.
Well friends, I think that's all the important things. I will try my best to keep up better with the blogging.

The end of an era.

This past week has been so crazy! It's been finals week at the college and I've been having so many mixed emotions because my time at CEU (It's official title may have changed but it will always be CEU to me.) has come to a close. Graduation weekend was amazing. I was presented with the Outstanding Music Student of the year award at a ceremony Friday night. It was such an amazing surprise! And then commencement on Saturday. Even though I almost slept through Graduation, (Seriously!) it was so rewarding to walk across that stage and recieve my diploma. (or at least the case for it...) An associates degree may not be a huge deal, but for me, it was a hard earned accomplishment. Saying good-bye to friends was heart-breaking, but I know that this chapter of my life will always be so meaningful and I will never ever forget the people who were a part of it.
Sunday was amazing. I had the opportunity to witness the baptism of my best friend. It was an incredibly spiritual experience that I'm so grateful I was able to be a part of. And then my little brother was ordained to the office of a deacon which was also a great experience. Time with family and friends, it just doesn't get any better.

After the awards ceremony!

My mom, me and my grandma Grundvig after commencement!

My two besties!



And one last adventure. Love these two!!

Summer Goals

Ok friends!! Here are my goals that I am hoping will help to be happier not just over the summer, but will be the beginning of good habits that will help me stay happy for a lifetime!

The most important goal:

BE FARRAH!

I'm not going to pretend or try to force myself to like anything. Everything I do is going to be done with the attitude that I am trying to better myself and make myself happier!!

PHYSICAL HEALTH:
Exercise at least 4-5 times a week for at least an hour for each workout. I'm also not going to link my exercise to weight loss. Weight loss will be an added bonus. I'm exercising because it's something I enjoy doing, it's time spent on myself, for myself to increase energy and keep me sane!

I would like to run a 5k and a 10k by the end of the summer.

MENTAL HEALTH:
"It's easier to keep a clean house clean than to clean a dirty house." - Rachel Ryan
Keep my room, my bathroom and my study area clean. Organization has never been my strong point so it's time I started some good habits before I move out on my own in August.

Read at least 10 books on my 'Want to Read' book list. Specifically the complete edition of Les Miserables by Victor Hugo, The counte of Monte Cristo by Alexander Dumas and Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte.

Gain and maintain a decent sleep schedule. No more staying up til 4 am and sleeping til noon...

Keep up on my week by week chart for my goals.


I know they don't seem like much, but it's the small changes that matter the most. I have a few more fairly intimate goals that I'm going to keep to myself, but hopefully you'll be able to see the benefits reaped by keeping all my goals! So excited! Updates will be frequent!!

PS - Anyone interested in having their own summer of happiness, I highly recommend checking out this website: www.happinessprojecttoolbox.com There you can set up charts, goals and see inspiring posts and goals that other people are trying to accomplish.

This is how a heart breaks.

So I know that I promised that my next post would be a detailed list of goals. I'm working on it, I will have it done before I go to work tomorrow, but I just need to vent for one little second.

I had my heart broken today. The boy I've had a crush on since I was 9 years old proposed to his girlfriend over the weekend. I've known since high school that I never had a chance with him, but in a sense he was my first love and I can't help but hurt a little. And cry a little. I'll get over it, I'll be fine and I'm still very optimistic about my goals etc, I just had to tell my loyal bloggers who would understand. You never forget the first person who captures your heart for whatever reason, and you can't help but hope just a little. Until they get engaged.

The Summer of Happiness

I can't believe that my 30 Day Blog Challenge is over! I've had so much fun doing it and I really enjoy blogging. But now the problem is, what to blog about? My life tends to be fairly boring and sometimes I forget that people don't want to know certain details of my life. If you have been following my blog, particularly before I started my blog challenge, you know that I have been struggling lately with being content with who I am, where I am, what I've been doing, and moreover being happy. I have a wonderful friend who recognized my struggles and sent me some inspiration. What she had to tell me and the book she sent me really made me look at things and once again I am evolving as a person. Chelsea's inspiration as well as the events of my bestie getting baptized have really made me remember what is important in life. Because of this I have decided to implement some changes in my life in order to make myself happy. I'm calling it "The Summer of Happiness" and I plan to use my blog to keep myself accountable for my goals and to hopefully inspire other people to be happier as well!

First things first: Who am I?
I've realized my biggest problem has been that I have been trying so hard to fit in and like things that I don't actually like, that I have been making myself unhappy and trying to convince myself that I like things I don't actually like. For the past week I have been trying really hard to implement the rule of "Be Farrah." If people can't respect me for who I am, likes and dislikes, then they aren't really my friends. And the friends that I have now, I know will love me no matter what. And you know, being myself and made me feel so much better and my friends are still my friends! WHOA!!
Examples:

• I am a tomboy. Always have been, always will be. I don't really like girly things like makeup, fingernail polish, doing my hair, super cute shoes, girly clothes, shopping, etc. I've tried so hard to convince myself that I do like those things because I am a girl, but you know what? I like wearing tennis shoes, my hair in a ponytail, little makeup, being active, burping, laughing out loud, t-shirts, getting dirty, and hanging tough. That's me, and I'm ok with that. Yes, I have feminine qualities and I can act like a lady, but I am who I am and I like what I like and I like being a tomboy!


• I'm a tease. Sometimes I forget that teasing is inappropriate in certain situations, but humor is a huge part of my nature and I love being silly, making a fool of myself, cracking jokes, and seeing the humor in every situation. I have often been afraid of what people will think of me when I make my sarcastic comments so I would often stay quiet, but you know what? I come up with some pretty funny stuff! I'm loud and proud!


• Contrary to popular belief and my body type, I'm fairly naturally athletic and have always loved being active. In jr high and high school, the group of friends I hung out with weren't really into sports and because I was fairly insecure, I didn't want to play sports by myself, so I stopped playing them all together. I miss it now and it's one of my biggest regrets. I want to become active again and play sports, particularly softball!

I already have quite a few goals that I want to accomplish this summer and I'm so excited! Even though it might seem selfish for me to be focusing so much on myself, I don't see it that way. When I'm trying to make myself happy, it's so much easier to make other people happy! My goal is to post at least twice a week about the progress of my goals. My next posting will be a detailed list of those goals so you can all hold me accoutable! Also, if anyone would like to start some group goals, let me know! I'm willing to have all the help and support I can get! And if I can help you be happy too, then it will make it that much more worth it. :)

The book that started the inspiration! THANK YOU CHELSEA!! I highly recomment it to anyone and everyone!

Day 30

Day 30 - Something I could never get tired of doing.

I will never get tired of laughing. I love to laugh, I love to make people laugh and I love to be silly. I love to do the unpredictable, I love to crack jokes and I love to be sarcastic. I go by the belief that laughter is the best medicine!

Farrah + dangerous objects = you should probably stay at least 20 feet away.

I love trying to climb through spaces I obviously won't fit! While Lisha is touching my bum!

Day 23

Day 23 - My dream house. So once again, I'm kind of weird and haven't really thought about my dream house...Mostly because I kind of have yet to think about my life beyond being a poor college student and living in an apartment. Basically all I know is that when I do finally have a house of my own I want a music room with a baby grand piano, vaulted ceilings, and enough room to keep bookshelves with sheet music as well as electronic music and an ihome to play music on. Also room for a couch so that it can be the room I teach flute lessons in as well. I also want a home theatre in the basement because I'm a movie junkie! And I guess bedrooms and a bathroom would be good too...

A Defining Moment

Here's my deep thinking blog. Enjoy. Don't judge. Realize and accept that I think some pretty crazy things sometimes.

I've been thinking a lot about change and who people really are lately and mostly about who I really am. I'm not exactly the same person I was in high school, my first year of college, my second year of college, heck even four months ago. Some changes were forced upon me, some were gradual. Some I started, most life threw at me and I just had to strap in for the ride.

Some things never change.

• I'm genuine, loving, accepting, open minded and sincere. BUT I'm not as free with those qualities as I once was. I've been walked on and betrayed too many times to be so trusting. Once I've let you in, it's all or nothing. Not everyone is who they appear to be.
• I'm forgiving. BUT I'm not forgetful. I don't hold hurts against you but I don't forget as easily as I once did. Goes back to the whole trust thing.
• I love to laugh. Sometimes I'm way too open. If I think it's funny, I seem to think everyone thinks it's funny too and some things should stay inside jokes.
• Music always has been and always will be a part of my life. I'm realizing more and more just how much saving grace and power it has.

A few things I'm learning. Others I'm still learning.

• Loved ones leave physically, but not spiritually. My grandfather's death was by far the most heart-breaking, painful and awful experience I've ever been through. It was also the most spiritual, tender and biggest learning experience as well. I learned more about myself and my family than I ever thought possible in that kind of situation.
• Things rarely go exactly according to plan BUT there is a reason for everything. I know there is a reason I got into the nursing program this past year. I also know there is a reason I was not supposed to complete it this year.
• Some of the things that the imporant people mind do matter. Mistakes cost friendships, respect, and trust. It's really hard to get those things back. It's ever harder to admit that you screwed up and now have to let go of your ego and fix it.
• And possibly one of the most important things I'm STILL learning: Choices are everything! They can change the entire course of you life in an instant. They can create years of hardships or happiness. Your choices define you.

Pretty much it's been a rough week. Desire and motivation are two very different things and I have a lot of one and none of the other. I'm sure you can guess which is which. At least this weekend is Halloween and I can take a breather! My next blog will be all about my scary adventures! WHOO!!

An up in the middle of all the downs!

Today has been fantastic compared to my wreck of a day yesterday. I started the day off right by going running/walking for 90 minutes with two of my besties, Meg and Kelt. It felt great! I then studied for my class, helped my mom prep for her surgery and picked up my brothers from day camp. After my class, I picked the kidders back up from Grandma's and got to spend the rest of the day with the little hoolagins (LOVE them!) while my dad stayed out at the hospital with my mom. She had knee surgery today, and they ended up having to do a little more than originally anticipated so she was in recovery for a long time. She came home though, looking exhausted, but walking! I know the healing time is a pain, but she will feel so much better! I ended the day the way I started. Another run/walk with Meg! I think I'm beginning to experience what is known as "runner's high" even though I can't run all that far yet without my shins screaming in pain. I managed 1/2 a mile this evening though and I'm so dang proud of myself! I will run this 5k yet and I'm so looking forward to crossing that finish line triumphant!

I also want to thank everyone who has helped me through this tremendously difficult time in my life. I couldn't have done it without the support of my friends and family! Love you all!

You guessed it...

Epic fail!
The massive blog post about spring break is still sitting in my drafts and isn't much longer than it was a few days ago...oops. I really had no time to do anything this weekend. Or so it feels like.
But once again, I just feel like blogging, so here goes:
Today has been a royal pain. I'm still waiting to hear from the nursing program, and I'm beginning to freak out a little bit. Either way I'm completely freaked out. I don't know what I want to do anymore. On the one hand, let's do this shiz. Get me through the program, I'm so done with school, with Price, with my life where it is at this point in time. On the other hand, I'm not ready! I still have classes to finish that I don't want to do at the same time, I don't know if I can do this!

What am I doing with my life?!

I made an alternate plan today and I don't know if I like it, but I don't see a whole lot of other doable options. I registered for summer and fall classes as if I hadn't made the nursing program. I also turned in my application for a student government position and signed up for an interview. I really wish I knew where my life is going next year. I'm sick of being stuck in this rut.

I don't understand

So it has been more than a month since I have had the time to post a blog. Far too long. I feel like so much has happened, and yet when I try to write it all down, it seems like not very much at all. Maybe it's just all in my head...Basically I have been waiting for the time to write this huge epic blog about my huge epic spring break trip with two of my besties. It's been sitting in my drafts since the day after we got home and I am going to finish it this weekend dang it!!
On another note, I have felt the need to sit down and write out some feelings I have been having, especially this past week. It seems like I always have extreme emotional weeks, good and bad, with a lot of variety. This week has been a week of deep thinking and wondering what the heck I am going to do with my life. Mostly I've been freaking out because I am still waiting to hear from the nursing program. It's been almost two months since I submitted my application and I'm not very patient. When I submitted, I felt confident that I would get in without a problem. Now I've had way too much time to stew over it and I'm not so sure anymore. And suddently I've been approached by two very close and trusted individuals in the very recent few days asking me to move away from Price with them if I don't get into nursing school this next year, to experience something new and just work for awhile. I must say the idea of moving away is very exciting and appealing, but I don't know if I'm ready to uproot myself from my hometown just yet. Another option that has been brought to my attention, and I'm taking steps to accomplish. I'm applying for several student government positions for next year to help occupy my time if I should decide to stay and go to school next year if nursing is denied me. The third option scares me the most. Actually getting into the nursing program. It's so rigorous and heaven knows I lack a lot of self discipline needed to get through it.
I feel like I'm at a point in my life that I stand alone. No one can help me make the next few decisions I make in life except for the higher power, and it's going to affect everything. I feel like my world is in shambles simply because I could go any different path in the next three months and I don't know which one is right. It's times like this that I miss more than ever the one person who loves me no matter what, is totally non-judgmental of my weaknesses, and is willing to let me cry on her shoulder in my worst moments. My mom. It's hard to accept that she can't help me make my decisions anymore. She can listen, offer advice, but ultimately, it's up to me.

What a week...

Have you ever had one of those weeks were absolutely nothing went right? If there was something that could go wrong, it did? That is what this week has been for me. I kept trying to think that it wasn't that bad when it was happening, but as I look back now, it was indeed that bad. I have never been so sick in all my life. It's amazing the things that stress does to the body. I've had stress sicknesses before, but never quite this bad. My appetite is gone and I've lost 10 pounds since Monday. That's four days. Not healthy. My main fear has been dehydration, so I've been pounding down the gatorade and that's probably what has saved me. What the heck, I'll just start from the beginning and share all the gory details!
Monday-started out like any other. Besides that it was K-Dub's B-DAY! Whoo! Got up early, went to the gym. Tummy wasn't feeling too good, kind of nauseated, tied up in knots. Thought it would go away, but it just got worse. Had a glass of sprite for breakfast to calm it down. It didn't work. Nauseated all day long, didn't dare eat lunch because I felt so sick and spent half the afternoon ready to bolt to the nearest container to dry heave in. Ugh. Napped for awhile, went to Rach's house to hang for a bit and had more sprite. Did not sleep well.
Tuesday-woke up feeling totally fatigued and weak. Still a little nauseated, but not as bad, more sprite and a banana for breakfast. Spent every spare moment of the morning studying for my dreaded microbiology exam that was to take place that afternoon. Didn't dare eat lunch, still feeling ill, decided to brave the test at 1 PM. Test went horribly. I couldn't remember a thing I had learned and had a minor freak out in the middle and ended up giving up on the stupid test without answering half the questions. Ouch. Went home and went to bed to try and sleep off the upsets. Ended up watching Beauty and the Beast (best Disney movie EVER!) and tried to look online to see what else needed to be done for my online class before Friday. Feeling a teensy bit better, thinking of hitting the sack early and BAM! my computer is overinfested with malware. MALWARE!!! ARGH!! Having already had a hard day, that did me in. I sat and cried over the stupid infestation before I finally managed to text K-Dub for advice. Luckily he could tell I needed help and came over to save the day and my computer.
Wednesday-as if the week couldn't get any worse. Still feeling a little fatigued, but ok. Went to the gym decided to weigh myself for fun and saw that I had lost six pounds since my last weigh in on Monday. And then only lasted twenty minutes before I had to make my first of about a million trips to the bathroom to be sick. Every twenty minutes until I finally could take some meds at 11:30 AM I visited the porcelain throne and who knew you could hold that much of anything?? Anyway, slept until my two thirty class and braved leaving the house again. Luckily I didn't have any more episodes until much later. After my two afternoon classes, I broke down and called my mom. I ended up going to my parent's house for the evening because my older brother was in Price for the day and my dad was going to help me with my taxes. Had two pieces of toast for dinner and managed to hold them down for awhile. My dad and brother gave me a priesthood blessing though, so I knew I could only get better. And it was so nice to be with my family. Although I would like to thanks Carbon County for screwing me over when it comes to taxes. Apparently I'm not good enough to claim as an employee so I had to file a 1099 and now owe the effing government money. See if I ever work for you again. Anyway, went home and managed to have a much better night's sleep.
Thursday-more tired than ever, but not feeling nauseated for once. Also woke up knowing what I have to do, even though I didn't want it to turn out this way. :( Managed to have a banana for breakfast, went to my morning lab and then went home. Managed to eat half a sandwhich for lunch, even though I was not feeling hungry. Had every intention of doing homework, but ended up sleeping because I had to work later. Work wasn't too bad, just hard because I've been feeling so weak. Got home, haven't felt hungry, and because it is so late, I opted for no dinner, decided to weigh myself again, just for kicks and discovered I'm now ten pounds down. I'm just glad I'm feeling better. What a week. The weekend better be better. Haha. And hopefully I get my appetite back. Or maybe it wouldn't be so bad if I didn't.

Last but not least, I have made the decision to drop microbiology. It's been super hard, but I know it has to be done. I'm too sick to keep up, and I have other things that need just as much, if not more focus. At least now I know what to do next time I take it. I'm just afraid that it's really going to mess up my nursing schedule, that is if I even get in the program. For the first time I'm doubting if I'm really cut out for school, for a stupid career and life in general. I feel like I'm giving up and that's not what I want to do at all. I don't know. Everything happens for a reason, and I just trust that Heavenly Father knows more about what it going on than I do.

Thanks to everyone who helped me survive this week, specifically K-Dub, Rach, V2 and my family. It can only get better from here.

"It will all be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end."

At the end of the day....

The end of the day is the hardest for me. I'm sitting home all alone, I usually can't sleep and my mind just goes a million miles an hour. Maybe this whole blogging thing will be something that I can use to occupy my mind. The only problem is that I'm usually such a private person about what is going on in my head because I'm pretty sure I fit in the catergory of crazy. haha. Anyway, work tonight was rough. I was only supposed to be there from four until eight (those of you who know what I do understand how draining my job is...), but some jerk on day shift decided that they couldn't come in tomorrow morning so us evening shifters have to save the day by coming in a five thirty tomorrow morning. ugh. long story short (too late), I had to stay til the end of shift (10pm) and I was not happy about it. And to top it all off, a walker was knocked over onto my foot and you would not believe how much it hurt. I half expected to see a massive bruise, but alas! no! Me being the beast I am now have a sore spot and nothing to show for it. :P I have so much homework to do and I'm working every day the rest of the weekend, so needless to say, I'm feeling a little overwhelmed and the fact that I've been so emotional the past few days has not been helping at all. It kind of like having vertigo without having the physical sense that the world is spinning. It's just my thoughts in my head and they are spinning so fast that I can't catch them. Weird. Anyway, I know I will survive, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, it's just a flippin' obstacle course to get there.


On a more positive note, I had a very profound realization today. And to be quite honest, it is what has gotten me through the rest of my day. Whilst I was sitting in the reeve's computer lab today, comtemplating my microbiology paper topic, sitting next to one of my favorite people in the universe, I realized that some things never change. People come and go, our surroundings change, we as people change physically, experiences shape us into who we are, but there are those few constants in life that even though circumstances change, they never do. Some people in our lives are meant to be there. Some people are supposed to know and understand us better that we can know and understand ourselves. I don't know, it probably sounds silly, but after the emptiness I've been feeling for days, it was a ray of sunshine in my life.


Tomorrow is going to be a better day! It has a few challenges in it, but now that my mind feels a little clearer, I know I can face them head on and get done what I need to get done! Bring on the challege and the world! After a good night's sleep and a good workout first thing in the morning, I will be ready!


FN out!