What is my problem? Good question.

I need some feedback. Honest feedback. I don't think the same way most people do and I certainly don't feel the way most people do and so I never know if what I am thinking and feeling is accurate or if I'm just being paranoid or if I'm not seeing the whole picture. Bear with me, it's been a long week.
So I'm still loving Cedar City. I love SUU and I love my classes and what I am learning. But I have never been so alone. I can't even express how much I miss my family, (FAMILY not Price.) and my friends who loved and accepted me no matter what. I feel like I have been forgotten by some people and despite efforts to maintain contact, I'm ignored. Do I need to make more effort? Do I just need to be patient? Am I being paranoid in thinking that they are glad they no longer have to see me? I know that seems silly or stupid to some people, but I can't help how I think and feel. I always knew that ours paths would not be side by side forever, but I can't help how important some people still are to me and it's killing me to be so far away. I think my biggest problem right now is that I'm not around people that know me well enough to know that I have serious needs that I'm not able to have filled. I need to be hugged. I need hugs on a daily basis and I'm not getting it. My brothers knew this and it makes me miss them that much more. I miss my Grandma for this reason and most of all, I miss my mom. I'm really hating growing up right now. I'm hating that I can't feel what is considered normal. But most of all I'm hating that I can't have my best friends right here with me when I need them the most.

Naughty Farrah!

I am so bad about updating my blog! Honestly, I keep forgetting and then when I remember, the stupid wi-fi decides that it's not going to work, for hours. Anyway, I'll do my best to fill in on all the important details...
3 weeks ago today I moved from my home town about 3 1/2 hours south to Cedar City to attend the university. I was so nervous about my roommate situation, employment situation, class situation and study situation. My roommates are phenomenal! There are four of us living in one apartment, and we ALL get along great! We are all so different, but we respect each other's property, preferences, and hobbies. We have "roommate dinner," "roommate movies," and "support which show your roommate wants to watch" dates. Which means I have started watching WWE 'Raw' and 'Teen Mom' as well as 'Jershey Shore' but it's so much fun! And I feel so lucky that I was put with such amazing people. I do think it's funny, however that all 3 of my roomies requested non-LDS apartment mates and they got stuck with me!
As far as class and study goes, I love my classes and I am loving what I am learning! Being in a new place and starting fresh has really made me remember how much I love to learn. I feel newly invigorated to keep up in every one of my classes and it is such a great feeling. As far as the employment situation goes, I'm still working on that one.
All the positive has not come with no negative however. I feel like I'm handling the challenges so much better despite past difficulties. I'm thinking clearly and logically and am trying so hard not to let the speedbumps bring me down. The first weekend after classes had begun we had a get together at our apartment with a group of people we had become friends with that mostly consisted of foreign exchange students. I found out by accident a few days later that I was known as 'The Ugly One' among several of them. My roommates and several others in the group had my back on that one though and certain individuals are no longer allowed over and I recieved a very heartfelt apology. It still hurt though. For those who know me, it's not hard to realize I'm somewhat self-conscious no matter how hard I try not to be. I managed to pick myself back up and dust off fairly easily from that one. I can't allow petty things like that to hinder me from moving forward. What good would it do to dwell on what some jerk said and let it affect how I see myself for the rest on my life? I'm not blind nor stupid. I know I'm not the most attractive person or the hottest thing on the block, but I'm comfortable in my own skin and I love who I am. I'm not perfect by any means, but I try very hard to constantly improve.
The next challenge was the passing of my Grandpa Nelson a few days ago. Although death is never easy, this death was taken as more of a relief than a true tragedy. He has been sick for years and he is now free of his suffering and is able to walk and talk easily and has been reunited with his family. I love my Grandpa and he will be greatly missed. Sadly I think I'm having more of a hard time than I usually would just because it is causing me to relive my Grandpa Grundvig's death which occured a little over a year ago. I still just have to be so grateful for the promise of eternal family.
Well friends, I think that's all the important things. I will try my best to keep up better with the blogging.

Day 2

Day 2 - My job.

I work as a CNA. Now before you go along judging me as a 'butt-wiper' let me explain a little bit. I work in an assisted living home for the elderly. I've worked in the same assisted living home for almost two years now. Hear me loud and clear right now: I LOVE MY JOB!

I took the CNA course and got my certification because I wanted to make absolutely sure that nursing was indeed the field I wanted to go into. The first few weeks on the floor were hard. I didn't know exactly what I was getting myself into nor all the work, physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual, that it would involve. It has taught me the most important lesson of my life though. I am meant to take care of my fellow human beings. It's not just butt-wiping, even though that is included. I wipe tears off of wrinkled faces, I clean the long worked hands of a mother, father, uncle, aunt and friend, and I help relieve those that are in pain, physical and emotional. It's taking care of someone who has lived their life, is close to the end and just can't take full care of themselves anymore. So I pick up the slack. I get to hear life stories of these amazing people everyday. A lot of them have no family so I am the only smiling face they see, the only person they get to talk to and the only one who cares for them. I know those people better than anyone and they know that I care for them because I give them good care. I take the time to get to know them and I have become a familiar face. I have gained a love for the elderly and a love for people in general. Even though some of them are so much harder to care for than others, I love them and it is so satisfying to go home at the end of my shift knowing I made a difference to at least one of my residents. I plan to make a difference in people's lives for as long as I live, CNA work is only the beginning.

The 30 Day Blog Challenge - DAY 1

So everyone is doing the 30 day blog challenge and I'm feeling a little left out. I thought about being the odd one out and not doing it, but the more I thought about it, the more I wanted to do it and I figure some people might actually LIKE reading about my life. As if, haha! So what the heck! For your reading pleasere: Day 1 - A picture of me and a description of my day so far.






This picture of me is one of my favorites and that is because my mom absolutly adores it. I know that my mom loves me no matter what, but it still means something to hear her call me beautiful.

My day so far. In a word: Crap. The past few months have been a stuggle for me and today is no exception. I feel like I'm draggin myself through every single day, not really getting anything accomplished, not doing as well as I could, and certainly not doing what I want to be doing. I don't know how to explain to people so they will understand the challenge that has been placed before me that I have been battling for years. Some days are easier that others, but today has not been very easy. Bed was so much more appealing than my first two classes and even my test this afternoon. Whoops. But what did make my day was a surprise package containing a much needed brand new pair of fantastic sneakers! Thanks Kelty! But the good feelings never last very long and the feelings of doubt and discouragement soon invade. Thank goodness I still have wind symphony tonight and that will be my saving grace for today.

What a happy post! K, bye!

Lost, and then found.

It has been far too long since I did a blog posting. I slacked because I was trying really hard to keep up in my personal journal so I just didn't have as much time to post, but now I've fallen behind in that, but a few things have happened that I really just feel like sharing with the world. I feel like I have grown so much over the past few days. It's so weird. I had some new experiences that I really feel have changed me as a person overall. Even though I may not have made the best decisions over the weekend, the more I think about it, the more I'm realizing that everything, EVERYTHING happens for a reason. I was supposed to screw up. I'm supposed to make mistakes because that is how we learn and grow. And right now I have realized a few things. Most importantly for me: I've learned that even though I'm not perfect, I see myself a lot differently than everyone else does. Just because sometimes I really do not like what I see in the mirror, that doesn't mean everyone else sees me that way too. I am beautiful in my own way and I can be loved and desired even though I may not have the ideal build, the most perfect physique or anything else. I think I'm finally beginning to accept myself and I've finally realized that I can accept how I am. I'm finally beginning to be able to love myself and that is worth the biggest mistakes in the world.

The other thing I have realized recently is the power of communication and remembering that there are a few people in this world that love me so much, they don't care how many mistakes I make or what I do. Of course they are concerned and can be disappointed, but they LOVE ME. They will never abandon me and that is so powerful. I am so lucky and so blessed to have several of those people in my life. A few in particular I would like to shout out to.



Kelton K. Wells, thank you for being my best friend. Thank you for knowing me so much better than I know myself, and better than anyone else in this world and loving me for who I am. I don't know how I got so lucky to have you in my life. You've made such a huge impact on me and I cannot put into words how beautiful our relationship is. Yes we have our ups and downs, but we always work through them. I love you so much and am so grateful for everything you've done for me. You are my white knight.



Rachel Michelle Ryan, you have changed my life in more ways than I thought one person could. I love you so much. You have taught me more in the last three years about people, love, loyalty, and friendship than I could have ever learned on my own. I look forward to our lifelong friendship and the fun we are going to have. You are such an amazing individual and are one of the most genuine, beautiful and loving people I have ever had the pleasure of interacting with.



Lisha Lynn Michele, I feel as though we have been friends forever and yet, we have only been friends a short time. You are such an amazing person and I love that you can accept me for who I am, screw-ups and all. You have taught me to love myself despite my imperfections and that means so much to me. You are such an amazing person and I love you so much.

Sterling Kade Anderson, I have known and loved you for years and I am so glad that we have gotten so close again recently. We've been through a lot and I'm so grateful we're such good friends. You have shown me that people are so much deeper than you think until you truly get to know them. I love that you accept me for who I am. You make me feel beautiful and I cannot tell you how much I appreciate that.

Michael Scott Johnson, I remember the first time I saw you was in the very first play CEU's Theatre Department performed during the fall 2008 semester and I instantly had a crush on you. I'm so grateful for the opportunity I've had to get to know you and I absolutely love the fact that we are such good friends now. You're always inspiring me to think outside of the box and introducing me to things I had never even thought of before. I love that you pretty much know all my secrets and insecurities and you help me to rise above them. Thank you so much for being who you are and loving me for who I am. I love you so much.

You have all touched my life in ways that will stay with me forever. I love us and I love the wonderful times we have shared and have yet to share. This post is to us, inspiration, realization, acceptance, beauty, growth and love. I hope I can hang onto these feelings forever because right now, life is wonderful.

Epic fail.

WARNING: PESSIMISM AHEAD.

If you don't want to read negativity, stop now. You've been warned.

I just need to vent for a moment. I really hate that every time I've had a good couple of days, that I've been feeling really good, that I'm trying so hard to be positive, to improve and just do better, I crash and burn. EVERY TIME. Never fails.

The perfect analogy:

In the race of life, I'm a car at the starting line with all the other vehicles. The whistle blows, the flag is thrown and everyone takes off. Everyone but me. I'm sitting at the starting line, barely moving even though I'm pumping the gas and the engine is revving. There is something seriously wrong with my drive line.

It's the final month of 2010.

It's December. The last month of 2010. Definently a time of reflection on the past year. But right now I want to focus more on looking at the future and improving. At the end of every year millions of people make a New Years Resolutions list. I usually join in on this exciting part of the new year, but this year I've decided to do things just a little bit differently. I've been inspired by several of my closest friends and my older brother in particular, to start a "bucket list" or list of things I want to accomplish in my life. This year I've decided I'm going to start a bucket list and just have it as a general goal to work towards the things on my list. A lot of the things on my list pertain to things I would say is a new years resolution anyway and I like having a bucket list. It's like all my dreams are on paper which gives me more inspiration to accomplish them. (Thanks to my good friend Sterling for inspiring me to write it down!) The list is already quite long, but here are a few examples:

• Run a marathon
• Fall in love
• Become a licensed nurse
• Learn to cook
• Shake hands with the Prophet
• Visit all seven continents

And my personal favorite:

• Watch Daron tackle an emperor penguin.

Lately I've really been thinking about the fact that we only have one life. Live a little. I'm looking forward to what this new year will bring. New experiences, new friends, new passions, new reason to love being alive. Love who you are and love the people you're with!

I've already made a wonderful new friend who I adore and cannot wait to make more memories with! Lisha, you're amazing.

The Beauty of Music

Last night I had the wonderful opportunity to participate in my 8th consecutive performance with the Eastern Utah Wind Symphony. The performance was successful, was well-loved by the audience and I felt fully accomplished. I love being part of such a diverse and talented group of musicians that ranges from professionals to students. We work under an amazing conductor, Dr. Greg Benson, who never fails to impress. I am proud to call myself a band geek!


I am so thankful for my opportunities to further my musical knowledge while keeping my skills well polished and well rounded. Not only instrumental music, but all the performing arts are by far my favorite thing in the world. I'm constantly being awed, inspired, changed, and emotionally moved by participating in, and watching the arts. I love it with all my heart and I thank Heavenly Father every day for the talents and opportunites I have been given and that I have this great gift in my life. Music makes me feel more alive than I am capable of feeling any other time. I cannot put into words the love and passion I have for music.

First post of November!

A new month has begun and I cannot believe that it is the second to last month of the year. Where has 2010 gone?? I don't know, discussing this year will be for another blog post. For now, I just need to vent. Work has been awful lately. I have not enjoyed going to work at all, administration is picking us apart for small mishaps and I'm really sick of feeling picked on. Contrary to popular belief, I'm not stupid and I do care about my job, what I do, and I try my best. But I'm human. I make mistakes. Especially when I've been doing the same thing for as long as I have. Also, I hate working full time. If I wasn't in school, wouldn't be half so bad, but I have no social life, no time for homework, I feel like no time for myself and my family. Not fun. Work blows, but I have made the choice to be a responsible adult, to make my own living, to take care of myself and to be independent. Every choice has consequences and this was my choice. Now I'm dealing with those consequences and should probably stop complaining. My poor brother has been unemployed for who knows how long and I have a great, steady, decent paying job that I usually enjoy doing. Shut up, Farrah. Just shut up.
Next item on the venting/thinking agenda. I met up with an old friend this past week who I had had a very unfortunate falling out with. We patched things up and it was absolutely fantastic. Of course we are nowhere near to what we were, but all the hurt is behind us, we're starting new and there is no more awkwardness! Yes! It felt so good, just to rid of the burden of wondering why we couldn't just work things out is gone and I've tasted sweet forgiveness. Given and recieved. (And I thought I never held a grudge...)
Speaking of friends (or my lack thereof at the moment...) I've kept feeling like I'm losing one of my most beloved friends. It feels like there is a distance between us that is slowly growing. I've spent hours upon hours trying to figure out what could be creating it, fueling it, causing it to grow and I could never put my finger on it. I kept thinking that they were just getting tired of me being around, they were distancing themselves because I was too needy, too outspoken, too selfish, too something. But it hit me like a ton of bricks a yesterday. When I was having one of my deep thinking moments (happens alot when you can't sleep...) I realized that some of my own foolish choices have created the chasm there. I've never been one to step out of my shell, my comfort zone, by myself, whatever. I've always needed the comfort of someone I knew to come with me to the party, be in the class with me, boost my confidence. Well, I've been following the wrong crowd, knowing good and well, it was going to get me into trouble one day. Because now I'm really out of my comfort zone. I'm standing out in the middle of nowhere all by myself wondering why (not how) the heck I'm there. I know full good and well how I got there, the question is why? Why did I make some of the choices I've made. Well to be honest, I don't really know, but the past cannot be changed. Moral of the story: my true friends will always be in the same place. Solid as a rock and immovable. I was the weak one and I have to find the will to pull myself back to my comfort zone that I so foolishly left. The immovable one will not step off the beaten path, only direct me how to find my way back to it. So now I am faced with another choice, feel sorry for myself, sit down where I am and quit, or tighten my belt and go against the current to get back to the place I should be even though it's not easy, it's not pleasant and it's going to hurt. Well, I may be weak, but I'm not a quitter. Motivation may not be abundant, but desire is. Once again I'm dealing with my consequences and these I like even less than working full time.
Sorry to be all weird. Tends to happen when I can't sleep and I think to much. And the fact that I've been working four days in a row, little sleep and an ever growing pile of homework doesn't really help. Good thing I get next weekend off.

A Defining Moment

Here's my deep thinking blog. Enjoy. Don't judge. Realize and accept that I think some pretty crazy things sometimes.

I've been thinking a lot about change and who people really are lately and mostly about who I really am. I'm not exactly the same person I was in high school, my first year of college, my second year of college, heck even four months ago. Some changes were forced upon me, some were gradual. Some I started, most life threw at me and I just had to strap in for the ride.

Some things never change.

• I'm genuine, loving, accepting, open minded and sincere. BUT I'm not as free with those qualities as I once was. I've been walked on and betrayed too many times to be so trusting. Once I've let you in, it's all or nothing. Not everyone is who they appear to be.
• I'm forgiving. BUT I'm not forgetful. I don't hold hurts against you but I don't forget as easily as I once did. Goes back to the whole trust thing.
• I love to laugh. Sometimes I'm way too open. If I think it's funny, I seem to think everyone thinks it's funny too and some things should stay inside jokes.
• Music always has been and always will be a part of my life. I'm realizing more and more just how much saving grace and power it has.

A few things I'm learning. Others I'm still learning.

• Loved ones leave physically, but not spiritually. My grandfather's death was by far the most heart-breaking, painful and awful experience I've ever been through. It was also the most spiritual, tender and biggest learning experience as well. I learned more about myself and my family than I ever thought possible in that kind of situation.
• Things rarely go exactly according to plan BUT there is a reason for everything. I know there is a reason I got into the nursing program this past year. I also know there is a reason I was not supposed to complete it this year.
• Some of the things that the imporant people mind do matter. Mistakes cost friendships, respect, and trust. It's really hard to get those things back. It's ever harder to admit that you screwed up and now have to let go of your ego and fix it.
• And possibly one of the most important things I'm STILL learning: Choices are everything! They can change the entire course of you life in an instant. They can create years of hardships or happiness. Your choices define you.

Pretty much it's been a rough week. Desire and motivation are two very different things and I have a lot of one and none of the other. I'm sure you can guess which is which. At least this weekend is Halloween and I can take a breather! My next blog will be all about my scary adventures! WHOO!!

What I've learned in my twenty years of life...

So I posted this on facebook the day before my twentieth birthday (February 14) and I felt it very profound. I was reading it today because it's been kind of a hard, emotional day just with everything going on. It made me feel a lot better and I just wanted to share. Enjoy all!

1. Life is completely unfair. It's the hardest thing in the world to watch hopes and dreams that you have for yourself be accomplished by someone else. But even if you don't think you're good enough, it's at least worth a shot. If you never even try then you may never know what you are capable of


2. You must love yourself before you can love others. God made you the way you are for a reason, and He does not make mistakes. Take what you have and run with it. You have the power to make yourself better, so decide and do something.


3. The performing arts-specifically music-is the most gratifying and powerful things we can experience. It takes us somewhere far beyond ourselves. It plays on emotions and portrays a message that words alone are not capable of getting across. Without music, life is meaningless.


4. Kicking your brother because he stole some of your nachos is not a good idea. You could end up on crutches because of it and really, it's just food. It's not like you didn't still have some on your plate.


5. Family is the most important. You only get one and they are the ones that you have forever. Friends come and go, but family is in it with you for the long run. Little brothers are supposed to be annoying, older brothers are supposed to torture you to an extent and no matter where you are in the world of in your life, you will always need mom and dad.


6. Heartbreak is the hardest thing you could ever go through. Whether it is losing loved ones, or being rejected by the one you love, it sucks everytime and doesn't tend to get easier.


7. Friends are abundant. Best friends are few and far between. They are a privilege, never take them for granted because you may never find another person like your best friend.


8. Just because people develop other relationships, it doesn't mean you have been replaced. You will always mean something to the people that you have managed to touch their hearts and their lives, but they have to let other people in as well. They know you are still there and always will be. When they need you, they will come back.


9. Making other people smile and taking care of people makes it all worth it. Knowing that we are needed keeps us human and lets us practice our compassion.


10. If someone will not let you be yourself or help you out as much as you are willing to help them, it isn't worth it. If they cannot accept you for who you are, they don't deserve the privilege of calling you a friend.


11. No matter how much you think you studied in high school, you still have to study a million times more in college. And once you have the material mastered, there is more material to be studied. It never ends.


12. Never succumb to the sadness. Happiness is a choice even if you don't have the brain chemicals to be "happy." You have the power to change your circumstances. You aren't doing anyone, especially yourself, any good if you do nothing but focus on the negative. Staying positive is key.


13. No matter how bad it gets, it could always be worse. Which is why it always starts raining in the movies.


14. There are many kinds of beautiful. And everyone has some beautiful qualities in their unique ways.


15. All boys are stupid. Yes, ALL.


16. We are never alone no matter how many mistakes we make. Someone will be there to help you reconcile your situation, but you must be willing to accept the help and recognize that sometimes you can't do it on your own.


17. Having passion is the only way to live life to the fullest. It teaches you how much you can truly care about people and the beautiful things in life.


18. Even though you aren't a teenager anymore, being twenty really is not that old. You still have your whole life to figure everything out and accomplish your goals. Focus on the present and enjoy every moment you have.


19. You are the only person that you spend your whole life with, so make sure you can live with the decisions you make. It shapes you into the person you become.


20. Everyday is a brand new opportunity to chage you. If you aren't happy with where you are in life, DO something about it. Don't just mope on what COULD be done. Take action.