What is my problem? Good question.

I need some feedback. Honest feedback. I don't think the same way most people do and I certainly don't feel the way most people do and so I never know if what I am thinking and feeling is accurate or if I'm just being paranoid or if I'm not seeing the whole picture. Bear with me, it's been a long week.
So I'm still loving Cedar City. I love SUU and I love my classes and what I am learning. But I have never been so alone. I can't even express how much I miss my family, (FAMILY not Price.) and my friends who loved and accepted me no matter what. I feel like I have been forgotten by some people and despite efforts to maintain contact, I'm ignored. Do I need to make more effort? Do I just need to be patient? Am I being paranoid in thinking that they are glad they no longer have to see me? I know that seems silly or stupid to some people, but I can't help how I think and feel. I always knew that ours paths would not be side by side forever, but I can't help how important some people still are to me and it's killing me to be so far away. I think my biggest problem right now is that I'm not around people that know me well enough to know that I have serious needs that I'm not able to have filled. I need to be hugged. I need hugs on a daily basis and I'm not getting it. My brothers knew this and it makes me miss them that much more. I miss my Grandma for this reason and most of all, I miss my mom. I'm really hating growing up right now. I'm hating that I can't feel what is considered normal. But most of all I'm hating that I can't have my best friends right here with me when I need them the most.

Even more unexpected change.

I've heard it said that when we make plans, God laughs at us. I'm pretty much beyond doubt that it's true. Plans for me have changed drastically. I'm waiting to hear from financial aide. I no longer have anything to look forward to during the summer other than moving at the end of it. I did manage to find an apartment in Cedar, but I will be rooming with no one I know. And other than my bestie Ness, I'm going to be alone. All the fear I had about falling through the cracks have come rushing back. Don't get me wrong, I'm still optimistic and I still have high hopes for myself of achieving my dreams. I just can't help but feel a little bit terrified of this huge step I am taking. I am about to leave my home town where I have lived, grown up, and found comfort in for my full 21 years of life. I will be 3 1/2 hours away from my family and the majority of my friends who have held me together for the past few years. I still hold fast to the belief that everything happens for a reason. I am what I choose to be and right now I am choosing to be strong. I am choosing to make myself the best I can be. I am choosing to face the hurdles that have been placed in my path and clear them with everything I have. I know the path is not going to be easy and there will be many more unexpected challenges, but I will face them and I will be stronger for the everything. My life is my own and I only have one chance to make it all that I can be and I plan to do that.

This is how a heart breaks.

So I know that I promised that my next post would be a detailed list of goals. I'm working on it, I will have it done before I go to work tomorrow, but I just need to vent for one little second.

I had my heart broken today. The boy I've had a crush on since I was 9 years old proposed to his girlfriend over the weekend. I've known since high school that I never had a chance with him, but in a sense he was my first love and I can't help but hurt a little. And cry a little. I'll get over it, I'll be fine and I'm still very optimistic about my goals etc, I just had to tell my loyal bloggers who would understand. You never forget the first person who captures your heart for whatever reason, and you can't help but hope just a little. Until they get engaged.

Another challenge...

So I've been doing a lot of thinking and self discovery lately. I've really been struggling with how unhappy I've been and the fact that I have been having such a hard time changing that or doing anything about it. Well, I'm coming on the upside of the roller coaster of life after being stuck on the bottom for so long and I'm going to take advantage of it!!

1) I am so behind in a few of my classes, but I'm working really hard to catch up and not fall any further behind than I already am. At least I'm still doing well in Micro and there is still hope for stats. Anatomy, good thing I already have a half decent grade from the last time I took you... but 3rd time is going to be the charm this summer! I'm smart and I will have a GPA that reflects that.

2) Even if I can't feel good emotionally, I NEED to feel better physically. I may not have been able to acheive my goal last fall of running in a 5k because other things came up, but that is no excuse for me falling off the band wagon as bad as I have. I'm going to lose 20 pounds by the time I graduate in May (yes it is healthily possible, I calculated it out.) and 50 by the end of the summer. I've already signed up for a 10k to run with my cousins in August so the pressure is on!! I worked out this morning for an hour and it hurts so good!!!

3) I'm going to be completely on my own financially come August because I'm moving 3 1/2 hours away from Mommy and Daddy. It's time to do some financial planning.

Let's pray the enthusiasm stays for at least a little while! I have done really good today in every aspect of my goal and I'm celebrating the small victories! YAY FOR TODAY! Plus I look super cute today if I do say so myself...

Day 3

Day 3 - The Perfect First Date

Basically my idea of a perfect first date is anything that will allow us to get to know each other. Take me to something that you have a love for. If you like music, let's go to a concert. If you like movies, let's go to one we're both familiar with and discuss it. If you like books, let's go to an old book store and browse. If you like hunting, teach me how to shoot a gun. If you like food, take me to your favorite resturaunt or let's make your favorite dish together. If you like fishing, teach me how to fish. If you like outdoors, take me on a hike. I'm so easy to please that really, a date period would be a nice change for me! Really, I love getting to know people and hearing their stories. The perfect first date for me, just let me get to know you and get to know me a little.

First post of November!

A new month has begun and I cannot believe that it is the second to last month of the year. Where has 2010 gone?? I don't know, discussing this year will be for another blog post. For now, I just need to vent. Work has been awful lately. I have not enjoyed going to work at all, administration is picking us apart for small mishaps and I'm really sick of feeling picked on. Contrary to popular belief, I'm not stupid and I do care about my job, what I do, and I try my best. But I'm human. I make mistakes. Especially when I've been doing the same thing for as long as I have. Also, I hate working full time. If I wasn't in school, wouldn't be half so bad, but I have no social life, no time for homework, I feel like no time for myself and my family. Not fun. Work blows, but I have made the choice to be a responsible adult, to make my own living, to take care of myself and to be independent. Every choice has consequences and this was my choice. Now I'm dealing with those consequences and should probably stop complaining. My poor brother has been unemployed for who knows how long and I have a great, steady, decent paying job that I usually enjoy doing. Shut up, Farrah. Just shut up.
Next item on the venting/thinking agenda. I met up with an old friend this past week who I had had a very unfortunate falling out with. We patched things up and it was absolutely fantastic. Of course we are nowhere near to what we were, but all the hurt is behind us, we're starting new and there is no more awkwardness! Yes! It felt so good, just to rid of the burden of wondering why we couldn't just work things out is gone and I've tasted sweet forgiveness. Given and recieved. (And I thought I never held a grudge...)
Speaking of friends (or my lack thereof at the moment...) I've kept feeling like I'm losing one of my most beloved friends. It feels like there is a distance between us that is slowly growing. I've spent hours upon hours trying to figure out what could be creating it, fueling it, causing it to grow and I could never put my finger on it. I kept thinking that they were just getting tired of me being around, they were distancing themselves because I was too needy, too outspoken, too selfish, too something. But it hit me like a ton of bricks a yesterday. When I was having one of my deep thinking moments (happens alot when you can't sleep...) I realized that some of my own foolish choices have created the chasm there. I've never been one to step out of my shell, my comfort zone, by myself, whatever. I've always needed the comfort of someone I knew to come with me to the party, be in the class with me, boost my confidence. Well, I've been following the wrong crowd, knowing good and well, it was going to get me into trouble one day. Because now I'm really out of my comfort zone. I'm standing out in the middle of nowhere all by myself wondering why (not how) the heck I'm there. I know full good and well how I got there, the question is why? Why did I make some of the choices I've made. Well to be honest, I don't really know, but the past cannot be changed. Moral of the story: my true friends will always be in the same place. Solid as a rock and immovable. I was the weak one and I have to find the will to pull myself back to my comfort zone that I so foolishly left. The immovable one will not step off the beaten path, only direct me how to find my way back to it. So now I am faced with another choice, feel sorry for myself, sit down where I am and quit, or tighten my belt and go against the current to get back to the place I should be even though it's not easy, it's not pleasant and it's going to hurt. Well, I may be weak, but I'm not a quitter. Motivation may not be abundant, but desire is. Once again I'm dealing with my consequences and these I like even less than working full time.
Sorry to be all weird. Tends to happen when I can't sleep and I think to much. And the fact that I've been working four days in a row, little sleep and an ever growing pile of homework doesn't really help. Good thing I get next weekend off.