Have you ever had one of those days where you just had one realization after another? Today has been one of those days for me. I had the opportunity to go to the college ward for the first time in a long time because of my work schedule and things that have been going on with my family so it was a nice change. I realized how much I have missed it. It makes a very subtle difference in the day and the week and I have felt so much better today because of it. I also realized that even though my ability to forgive could also be considered a fault. I can't stop thinking there must be good in everyone and even though my full trust cannot be regained that quickly, I may be destroying better things in my life by giving the not so good another chance. (If that doesn't make sense, I'm sorry but I'm not going to elaborate anymore right now.) My most profound realization happened when I attended prayer meeting at the college stake tonight. One of my favorite bishops spoke on the spirit of service. He shared some very profound poems and I feel like I got a lot out of his talk. I realize how much I love serving others, especially since I am choosing to do it for the rest of my life through my career. I've also been thinking a lot lately about how I'm trying really hard to improve my health. I don't know how well it's working right now, but as far as my mental health goes, for those of you who know my story, I have finally been able to face and accept the shame for what happened a few years ago. My scars are a sign that I survived. Not a sign that I almost didn't.
That is all for now. More to come.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Monday, June 21, 2010
Upside down and inside out.
It has been more than two months since I last posted. I really felt like I didn't have anything to say, and when I did, it really wasn't anything I wanted to share with the world. But over the last three days, my world has been turned inside out and upside down. The best and the worst have happened and I really feel like I am not the same person I was a week ago. First things first: the worst. Late Friday night, I get a text from my mom telling me that my grandpa went out to the emergence room because he was having a lot of trouble breathing. Immeadiately I was concerned because my grandpa is one of the healthiest 84 year olds I know. I was working, so I couldn't really keep up with what was going on, so I asked my mom to keep me updated. They were doing a cat scan and we were just waiting for the results. After I got off work, there was no more developments so I went home and started getting ready for bed. At midnight, just as I was laying down, my mom called me. She was crying so I knew something had happened, but the words she spoke were the most unexpected and still have me reeling in shock. "Grandpa has cancer throughout his lungs and in his stomach. It doesn't look good."...
I had no idea what to say, nor how to react. I felt like I had been slapped in the face and kicked in the stomach simultaniously. As the news began to sink in, fear and anxiety washed over me like ice cold water. The next morning, I went to see my grandparents and my parents. No one in my family is taking the news well because of the unexpectedness and concern for my grandma. My grandparents have been married for more than sixty years and are still so in love. There can't be one without the other. My grandpa has been calm throughout all of this, but you can tell his worry is for the love of his life. I don't know what the future holds for my family. We don't even know what type of cancer or how bad it is yet. He goes to a cancer specialist next week, so we will know more soon.
On a different note, I began the nursing program officially today. Surprisingly I wasn't nervous at all. A lot of things were going through my mind all throughout my class this morning. It hit me like a ton of bricks that nothing in my life is going to be the same after today. I've never felt so alone. I feel like I am going through this all by myself. None of my friends are doing this with me, I'm not involved in anything any of them are doing anymore and I have to stay focused on my studies if I want to survive this program. But then again I know this is what I am supposed to be doing. I am where I'm supposed to be, alone or not. That doesn't make it any easier though. I just wish I had a little more confidience that the friendships I value the most won't suffer, and it will be all my fault.
I had no idea what to say, nor how to react. I felt like I had been slapped in the face and kicked in the stomach simultaniously. As the news began to sink in, fear and anxiety washed over me like ice cold water. The next morning, I went to see my grandparents and my parents. No one in my family is taking the news well because of the unexpectedness and concern for my grandma. My grandparents have been married for more than sixty years and are still so in love. There can't be one without the other. My grandpa has been calm throughout all of this, but you can tell his worry is for the love of his life. I don't know what the future holds for my family. We don't even know what type of cancer or how bad it is yet. He goes to a cancer specialist next week, so we will know more soon.
On a different note, I began the nursing program officially today. Surprisingly I wasn't nervous at all. A lot of things were going through my mind all throughout my class this morning. It hit me like a ton of bricks that nothing in my life is going to be the same after today. I've never felt so alone. I feel like I am going through this all by myself. None of my friends are doing this with me, I'm not involved in anything any of them are doing anymore and I have to stay focused on my studies if I want to survive this program. But then again I know this is what I am supposed to be doing. I am where I'm supposed to be, alone or not. That doesn't make it any easier though. I just wish I had a little more confidience that the friendships I value the most won't suffer, and it will be all my fault.
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