Epic fail.

WARNING: PESSIMISM AHEAD.

If you don't want to read negativity, stop now. You've been warned.

I just need to vent for a moment. I really hate that every time I've had a good couple of days, that I've been feeling really good, that I'm trying so hard to be positive, to improve and just do better, I crash and burn. EVERY TIME. Never fails.

The perfect analogy:

In the race of life, I'm a car at the starting line with all the other vehicles. The whistle blows, the flag is thrown and everyone takes off. Everyone but me. I'm sitting at the starting line, barely moving even though I'm pumping the gas and the engine is revving. There is something seriously wrong with my drive line.

It's the final month of 2010.

It's December. The last month of 2010. Definently a time of reflection on the past year. But right now I want to focus more on looking at the future and improving. At the end of every year millions of people make a New Years Resolutions list. I usually join in on this exciting part of the new year, but this year I've decided to do things just a little bit differently. I've been inspired by several of my closest friends and my older brother in particular, to start a "bucket list" or list of things I want to accomplish in my life. This year I've decided I'm going to start a bucket list and just have it as a general goal to work towards the things on my list. A lot of the things on my list pertain to things I would say is a new years resolution anyway and I like having a bucket list. It's like all my dreams are on paper which gives me more inspiration to accomplish them. (Thanks to my good friend Sterling for inspiring me to write it down!) The list is already quite long, but here are a few examples:

• Run a marathon
• Fall in love
• Become a licensed nurse
• Learn to cook
• Shake hands with the Prophet
• Visit all seven continents

And my personal favorite:

• Watch Daron tackle an emperor penguin.

Lately I've really been thinking about the fact that we only have one life. Live a little. I'm looking forward to what this new year will bring. New experiences, new friends, new passions, new reason to love being alive. Love who you are and love the people you're with!

I've already made a wonderful new friend who I adore and cannot wait to make more memories with! Lisha, you're amazing.

Thanksgiving 2010

Thanksgiving this year was so fantastic. For the first time in my life, it was just my immeadiate family. I missed getting together with some of my distant relatives that I don't get to see very often, but this year, I really think this was what we needed. My older brother who lives in Salt Lake came down and stayed all week. I got to spend lots of time with him which meant a lot because I won't get to see him again until Christmas. Food, and family. Definently can't get any better than that.

My personal favorite part of Thanksgiving.... PIES of course!




My mom and I made so much pie! It was fantastic!

And my first plateful....DELICIOUS!! Pretty sure I gained about 20 pounds over the weekend...



This Thanksgiving was also a very emotional one. It was our first Thanksgiving without my Grandpa Grundvig and my Grandma was sick so she was unable to join us which made it that much harder. But really, it made me all the more thankful for the family I was able to spend time with. Especially my older brother. He's my best friend and I have a really hard time not being able to see him very often. It's so funny, you would think that a brother and sister 6 years apart wouldn't have much in common or have reason to fight. Daron and I constantly fought as children and we still tend to tease, but we're super close, especially since neither of us live at home anymore, which I am so grateful for.

I cannot believe how quickly this year has flown. I'm so grateful for all my blessings and the opportunity I had to share this holiday with the people I love the most.

Breaking Point

The questions of the week:

• Why do some people get such joy out of watching others suffer?
• Why can't we all just get along?
• Where do we draw the line and say we won't tolerate anymore?
• Why must we sometimes forsake our own gentle nature in self defense?
• Why do we try so hard to fit in with people who we should fit so well with?
• What do we have to do to get the point across that enough is enough?

I'm so tired of people who have no other other desire in life than to make things unnecissarly harder for other people, who are back stabbers, who are fake and who lie. I'm so tired of having to see selfish people neglect others who depend on them simply because they are lazy and do nothing but complain. Unfortunately I understand that no matter where I go or what I do there are going to be people like that. Someone has to ruin it for the whole group.

But there are also those people who are loving, kind and want nothing more than to give. Some people lift the whole group.

You're Still an Innocent

"Innocent" by Taylor Swift

I guess you really did it this time
Left yourself in your warpath
Lost your balance on a tightrope
Lost your mind tryin' to get it back

Wasn't it easier in your lunchbox days?
Always a bigger bed to crawl into
Wasn't it beautiful when you believed in everything
And everybody believed in you?

It's all right, just wait and see,
Your string of lights is still bright to me
Oh, who you are is not where you've been.
You're still an innocent,
You're still an innocent.

There's some things you can't speak of
But at night you'll live it all again
You wouldn't be shattered on the floor now
If only you would sing what you know now then

Wasn't it easier in your firefly-catchin' days?
And everything out of reach, someone bigger brought down to you
Wasn't it beautiful runnin' wild 'til you fell asleep
Before the monsters caught up to you?

It's all right, just wait and see
Your string of lights is still bright to me
Oh, who you are is not where you've been
You're still an innocent
It's okay, life is a tough crowd
32, and still growin' up now
Who you are is not what you did.
You're still an innocent.

Time turns flames to embers
You'll have new Septembers
Every one of us has messed up too
Lives change like the weather
I hope you remember
Today is never too late to be brand new

It's all right, just wait and see
Your string of lights are still bright to me
Oh, who you are is not where you've been
You're still an innocent.
It's okay, life is a tough crowd
32, and still growin' up now
Who you are is not what you did
You're still an innocent.
You're still an innocent.

Lost your balance on a tightrope.
It's never too late to get it back.

The lines that stand out the most to me are "Lives change like the weather, I hope you remember today is never too late to be brand new."

So true.

The Beauty of Music

Last night I had the wonderful opportunity to participate in my 8th consecutive performance with the Eastern Utah Wind Symphony. The performance was successful, was well-loved by the audience and I felt fully accomplished. I love being part of such a diverse and talented group of musicians that ranges from professionals to students. We work under an amazing conductor, Dr. Greg Benson, who never fails to impress. I am proud to call myself a band geek!


I am so thankful for my opportunities to further my musical knowledge while keeping my skills well polished and well rounded. Not only instrumental music, but all the performing arts are by far my favorite thing in the world. I'm constantly being awed, inspired, changed, and emotionally moved by participating in, and watching the arts. I love it with all my heart and I thank Heavenly Father every day for the talents and opportunites I have been given and that I have this great gift in my life. Music makes me feel more alive than I am capable of feeling any other time. I cannot put into words the love and passion I have for music.

In honor of our Veterans

Today is Veteran's day and my heart is very full. Both of my grandfathers served our country, my Grandpa Nelson served in the Army in the Korean War and my Grandpa Grundvig served in the Navy during World War II. I salute those who have the honor and courage to risk their lives for our country to preserve the freedoms that we all as United States citizens enjoy today. Love a Veteran and support our troops!

For wind symphony this sememster we are playing a song called "American Heroes" as part of our concert. I cannot help but tear up everytime I hear "Anchors Away." My grandpa, H. Levon Grundvig served in the Navy in WWII. Not only was he an American Hero, he was my hero and so beloved not only by my family, but everyone he knew. He touched so many lives and I miss him so much. Today it has been four months since he left this mortal life and it has not gotten any easier. My heart still aches and I wish more than anything I could hug him one more time. Thank goodness for the gospel and eternal families.

First post of November!

A new month has begun and I cannot believe that it is the second to last month of the year. Where has 2010 gone?? I don't know, discussing this year will be for another blog post. For now, I just need to vent. Work has been awful lately. I have not enjoyed going to work at all, administration is picking us apart for small mishaps and I'm really sick of feeling picked on. Contrary to popular belief, I'm not stupid and I do care about my job, what I do, and I try my best. But I'm human. I make mistakes. Especially when I've been doing the same thing for as long as I have. Also, I hate working full time. If I wasn't in school, wouldn't be half so bad, but I have no social life, no time for homework, I feel like no time for myself and my family. Not fun. Work blows, but I have made the choice to be a responsible adult, to make my own living, to take care of myself and to be independent. Every choice has consequences and this was my choice. Now I'm dealing with those consequences and should probably stop complaining. My poor brother has been unemployed for who knows how long and I have a great, steady, decent paying job that I usually enjoy doing. Shut up, Farrah. Just shut up.
Next item on the venting/thinking agenda. I met up with an old friend this past week who I had had a very unfortunate falling out with. We patched things up and it was absolutely fantastic. Of course we are nowhere near to what we were, but all the hurt is behind us, we're starting new and there is no more awkwardness! Yes! It felt so good, just to rid of the burden of wondering why we couldn't just work things out is gone and I've tasted sweet forgiveness. Given and recieved. (And I thought I never held a grudge...)
Speaking of friends (or my lack thereof at the moment...) I've kept feeling like I'm losing one of my most beloved friends. It feels like there is a distance between us that is slowly growing. I've spent hours upon hours trying to figure out what could be creating it, fueling it, causing it to grow and I could never put my finger on it. I kept thinking that they were just getting tired of me being around, they were distancing themselves because I was too needy, too outspoken, too selfish, too something. But it hit me like a ton of bricks a yesterday. When I was having one of my deep thinking moments (happens alot when you can't sleep...) I realized that some of my own foolish choices have created the chasm there. I've never been one to step out of my shell, my comfort zone, by myself, whatever. I've always needed the comfort of someone I knew to come with me to the party, be in the class with me, boost my confidence. Well, I've been following the wrong crowd, knowing good and well, it was going to get me into trouble one day. Because now I'm really out of my comfort zone. I'm standing out in the middle of nowhere all by myself wondering why (not how) the heck I'm there. I know full good and well how I got there, the question is why? Why did I make some of the choices I've made. Well to be honest, I don't really know, but the past cannot be changed. Moral of the story: my true friends will always be in the same place. Solid as a rock and immovable. I was the weak one and I have to find the will to pull myself back to my comfort zone that I so foolishly left. The immovable one will not step off the beaten path, only direct me how to find my way back to it. So now I am faced with another choice, feel sorry for myself, sit down where I am and quit, or tighten my belt and go against the current to get back to the place I should be even though it's not easy, it's not pleasant and it's going to hurt. Well, I may be weak, but I'm not a quitter. Motivation may not be abundant, but desire is. Once again I'm dealing with my consequences and these I like even less than working full time.
Sorry to be all weird. Tends to happen when I can't sleep and I think to much. And the fact that I've been working four days in a row, little sleep and an ever growing pile of homework doesn't really help. Good thing I get next weekend off.

All Hallow's Eve 2010

This weekend has been so much fun! It was just the break from work that I've been needing. Even though work is part of my weekend... On with the tale!

Friday:

I worked all afternoon, but it was probably the best day to work ever! It was the resident's halloween party so just to get into the spirit, most of the staff dressed up and most of the resident's that attended the party dressed up as well. They were all so cute! I wore my kitty mask since I still had to wear my scrubs, but wanted to get into the spirit and still be able to work. Even the administration and the nurses dressed up! There was tons of candy being passed around, pumpkin painting and games. One of my favorite residents was dressed up as a chef and was in one of those blow up fat costumes and let me tell you, it was the funniest thing in the world to see her pushing her walker down the hall with that extra wide costume on! Anyway, all us CNA's were hyper and joking with each other all night and it was just so fun. After work that night, I was going to go to the college for the mentalist show, but got out of work kind of late and then had to run home to wash my clothes and shower. (Two of our residents have MRSA and I've been exposed to it. I'm paranoid and taking EVERY possible precaution so I don't get sick!) By the time I got done, it was late and I dozed off on the couch. I woke back up around one and couldn't go back to sleep so I decided to watch a scary movie. Stupid idea. I was home all alone and decided to watch the original 80's version of "Nightmare on Elm Street." Basically I screamed a lot and dreamed of Freddy Krueger that night...

Saturday:

I spent most of the day with my family and went with my brothers to the ward trunk or treat. My brothers are so funny! The 11-year old was dressed as Santa, the 8-year old was a red-eyed phantom and the 5-year old was Woody from Toy Story. We had so much fun! Woody wouldn't let me leave his side and was so excited to get all his candy! Red-eyed phantom got the award for the scariest costume and Santa made a lot of people laugh! After all the trunk or treating, my mom was feeling really tired, but wanted to have a good laugh so we put in our favorite Halloween movie of all time: "Ernest Scared Stupid." I hadn't seen the movie in years and we really enjoyed ourselves. After the movie, it was time for the kids to go to bed and Rach called me and invited me to go to a haunted house with her and bo-bo. The haunted house/spook alley was being held in a local ghost town and let me tell you, we all 3 got scared out of our wits! It was so awesome! I was terrified through the whole thing and we had such a blast laughing and screaming through the whole thing! Pretty much, we had a great time with the drive across the county and being so scared! After we got back to town we just hung out for awhile and enjoyed each other's company.

Sunday:

It was so great to sleep in! I went to church with my family and then went to Rach's work to keep her company for awhile. I then enjoyed a quiet evening with me, myself, and ABC's family's 13 Nights of Halloween specials.

Pretty much it was a great weekend and I think I'm ready to get back into the books tomorrow.

Pictures for your viewing pleasure:

A Defining Moment

Here's my deep thinking blog. Enjoy. Don't judge. Realize and accept that I think some pretty crazy things sometimes.

I've been thinking a lot about change and who people really are lately and mostly about who I really am. I'm not exactly the same person I was in high school, my first year of college, my second year of college, heck even four months ago. Some changes were forced upon me, some were gradual. Some I started, most life threw at me and I just had to strap in for the ride.

Some things never change.

• I'm genuine, loving, accepting, open minded and sincere. BUT I'm not as free with those qualities as I once was. I've been walked on and betrayed too many times to be so trusting. Once I've let you in, it's all or nothing. Not everyone is who they appear to be.
• I'm forgiving. BUT I'm not forgetful. I don't hold hurts against you but I don't forget as easily as I once did. Goes back to the whole trust thing.
• I love to laugh. Sometimes I'm way too open. If I think it's funny, I seem to think everyone thinks it's funny too and some things should stay inside jokes.
• Music always has been and always will be a part of my life. I'm realizing more and more just how much saving grace and power it has.

A few things I'm learning. Others I'm still learning.

• Loved ones leave physically, but not spiritually. My grandfather's death was by far the most heart-breaking, painful and awful experience I've ever been through. It was also the most spiritual, tender and biggest learning experience as well. I learned more about myself and my family than I ever thought possible in that kind of situation.
• Things rarely go exactly according to plan BUT there is a reason for everything. I know there is a reason I got into the nursing program this past year. I also know there is a reason I was not supposed to complete it this year.
• Some of the things that the imporant people mind do matter. Mistakes cost friendships, respect, and trust. It's really hard to get those things back. It's ever harder to admit that you screwed up and now have to let go of your ego and fix it.
• And possibly one of the most important things I'm STILL learning: Choices are everything! They can change the entire course of you life in an instant. They can create years of hardships or happiness. Your choices define you.

Pretty much it's been a rough week. Desire and motivation are two very different things and I have a lot of one and none of the other. I'm sure you can guess which is which. At least this weekend is Halloween and I can take a breather! My next blog will be all about my scary adventures! WHOO!!

A silly sidenote!

So I've been having lots and lots of thoughts recently and keep thinking I need to write a blog about all my deep thinking. But I'm really not in the mood for it right now and something really funny happened yesterday that I really want to share.

Nobody really seems to understand how out of control my hair is. I've loved having it so short so I can do more with it, but it's still a frizzy mess and when I woke up yesterday, I couldn't help but laugh out loud!

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I WASH MY HAIR BEFORE BED AND THEN SLEEP ON IT:

Passion

According to the dictionary the definition of passion is an intense, driving, compelling or overpowering feeling or emotion; particularly love.

I will tell you all now:

I HAVE AN OVERWHELMING PASSION FOR MUSIC.

Music is the driving force in my life, one of the few things that inspire me, something I'm good at, I'm willing to better myself at, and moves me. Music takes over where words fail. Music is the love of my life.

For me specifically, I never feel more alive, more in tune with my soul, more emotional, or more determined than when I have my flute in my hands and up to my lips. My flute is my greatest talent, my greatest accomplishment and my most prized possession. If I had my way I would never put it down.

About two weeks ago a very rare opportunity was placed before me. I had to postpone a great goal I had set for myself and the decision to do that was not easy. BUT, a greater opportunity was placed before me and I could not pass it up. I have been asked to be the floutist in the pit orchestra for the musical USU-CEU is performing this month, Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street. Unfortunately one of the performances is on the same night I was supposed to run in the 5k in Salt Lake, so I will not be running, but I do still plan to do a 5k sometime this fall.

The past few nights at rehearsal I have loved this rare opportunity. I have felt more peaceful and fulfilled than I have in a long long time. Words cannot describe how much love and PASSION I have for music. I thank God everyday for the talents in music that he gave me and the opportunity I have to share them.

Seeing clearly

It's been a pretty intense first few weeks of school. I guess I should officially announce since most people are realizing and asking about it. Yes people, it's true. I dropped out of the nursing program. Why you ask? Family circumstances. You don't need to know the details. The director knows why and I know why. That's all that's important. So please, feel free to talk about me, speculate amongst yourselves and spread rumors, or add to the ones that are currently circulating. I can't help but laugh at the ideas people seem to have. Anyway, I'm still at good ole CEU just working on some final classes for my associates degree and taking it easy while I try to slow my life down a little bit. Sadly, drama has permeated my life once again. But you know what, I'm thankful for the experience. I've learned more about myself and the people around me than I even thought was there. Relationships have been strengthened for the better and others have been cut completely. In some ways, it's sad that things turned out the way they did, but for the most part, I have come to see what I will and will not tolerate in a friendship. Now I feel so free, so relieved and grateful for the people in my life who are true to me no matter what. Also, I have gained such a stronger love for my family. I'm so glad for an older brother who is not only my sibling, but one of my best friends.

On a side note, I chopped my hair super short about two weeks ago and I LOVE IT! Who knew after having long hair for so long...

Having a hard time finding my Big Girl Panties...

It has been so incredibly long since I've blogged because I figure not every blog that I post should be depressing. Well, I'm sorry people but that is what is going on in my life right now and if you don't like it, then don't read it.
For almost two weeks now I feel as though I have been stuck in the mud, spinning my wheels, going nowhere and making a bigger mess of things than they already were. The worst summer and/or 3 months of my life is coming to an end. The whole summer seems to be in somewhat of a fog and everything hurts too much to think about. My whole world has been turned upside down and I've spent especially the last week doing nothing but dwelling on that and having a flipping pity party about it. I haven't talked to hardly anyone, I've neglected all the important people in my life besides my mom and now I sit here realizing how truly alone I am. I've lost my best friend. 3 of my closest friends moved away to college this last week. I said good-bye to one of them. And now it's too late and I feel nothing but regret that I did not pull myself out of my hole to spend a little more time with them before they left. Old friends that left at the beginning of the summer have told me that I've been missed, asked me how I've been, tried to be encouraging. And I've ignored them. And now more time has gone by than I realized before and once again I regret that I did not take a little more time to reply, to do something. My friends that are right here with me have not seen or heard from me in weeks. And until recently, I didn't care. I only wanted to be alone to try and repair the hole in my heart that death left there. I never thought that I would fall apart in a situationlike this, to be put right back in the rut I thought I was finally crawling out of. I owe a lot of people apologies and I don't know how to go about repairing the damage that has been done.
I only hope this next semester is better. That I will be able to possibly figure out what I'm doing with my life. It's not going to be anything close to what I thought it was going to be less than a month ago, but I guess we have to accept change and work with what is in front of us.


Music is ever inspiring. Here's a song I hadn't heard in a long time and I feel describes what seems to be happening in my head right now.

"It's My Life"

Looking out the airplane window
Thirty thousand miles of shadow
All the silver linings bend into the night
Never any hesitation
Never any explanation
I wish I had a ticket off this flight

Everything keeps moving fast
What I want is what I have
Right now, I’m closer that I thought I could be

It’s my life, my time to find the answers
Don’t always know what kind of road is in front of me
But I’ll go slow wanna remember every moment
That this is by the goodness ride has ever been
It’s my life

In times I really miss my family
I wonder what they're doing right now
I know their thinking of me
I can’t imagine where I’m going
But I know where it is I come from
And it makes me feel complete

Everything keeps moving fast
What I want is what I have
Right now, I’m closer that I thought I could be

It’s my life, my time to find the answers
Don’t always know what kind of road is in front of me
But I’ll go slow wanna remember every moment
That passes by the goodness ride has ever been
It’s my life, it’s my life

And it’s a real good fight
Trying to find what’s mine
Tryin’ to be who I’m supposed to be
It’s my life, its my time to find the answers
Don’t always know what kind of road is in front of me
But I’ll go slow wanna remember every moment
That passes by the goodness ride has every thing
It’s my life

I'm getting motion sickness....

The freaking roller coaster of life is making me sick! Just when things are starting to look up, it all comes crashing back down again. Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse, they did. My poor mother is at her wit's end with my siblings, my older brother is having more job/money trouble, and I'm cracking under stress. And then on top of everything, I haven't even had my car a week and already it's out of comission!

The running over of this:


Resulted in this:


Which means we're back to this:


Until I can order new tires, it's back to the beast. Dang construction on my road. ARGH!

I just want my Aveo back. :(

FML!

Problem Solved??

The endorphins are back! After my long and full day yesterday, I didn't really have a chance to get as much exercise in as I wanted to so I was a little nervous about my run this morning. I took an advil before I headed out and did a good amount of stretching before my warm-up walk. I tried running more, with shorter distance with walking in between and you know what? I had a freaking epiphany! (or was it an epitome?...) I HAVE BEEN RUNNING WRONG! That is totally part of why I hurt so bad! Halfway through my run, I remembered someone telling me when I was on the track team in jr. high that when you run, specifically sprint, you should run on the balls of your feet, not roll your whole foot. So I decided to try it and you know what?! I was able to run farther and even more! Don't get me wrong, I still hurt and I'm getting new shoes, but I didn't hurt half as bad today as I did Monday. I'm hoping that's the majority of the reason and now I won't hurt so much when I run! In short, I felt great after my workout today... :)

You go Glenn Cocoa!!

Pretty much the best day ever. I have been in the market for a new car for over a year now and finally the opportunity of a lifetime presented itself.

Meet Glenn Cocoa! My new 2008 Chevy Aveo!



What fabulous trunk space!



It was love at first sight!

Frustrated and Discouraged

So I'm feeling really frustrated today and it's not even noon yet. I had a really hard time yesterday because it's now two weeks since my Grandpa Grundvig passed away. I miss him so much. I didn't do hardly anything I was intending on doing. I didn't study for my test or my final that I took this morning like I had wanted to. I still feel like I did pretty good, but it's just frustrating that I have no desire to do anything. I wanted to exercise a little too, just simple stuff with free weights and my exercise ball, but I didn't do that either. Instead I laid in bed for three hours. This morning I got up at six with fresh determination to keep up on my training. But alas, my shin splints were killer today, even with anti-inflammatory medicine. I know I could keep running and go twice as far as I can right now if my dang shins wouldn't hurt so bad. I'm positive it's because of my shoes. I've had them for over a year. According to active.com, it's time to get a new pair of shoes when yours have logged between three and five hundred miles. I think mine have done well beyond that between work, regular walking and the fact that I wear my nike's almost everyday because I love them so much. The issue is I want to get really good running shoes that are designed for my type of stride and step which means I need to go up north and spend good money at a sports store. Running is imprtant enough to me right now though that I am going to do it. I don't want to hurt, and I want to be healthy. And I want so badly to successfully cross that finish line on Oct. 9 with my friends and family having run the entire distance.



my good ole nikes...

Loving to Run

I realized today how much I am enjoying working on building my cardio endurance and working so hard to be healthier. I didn't have time to work out this morning and I was dragging all day long. I was more tired than usual, even though I had more sleep and I was so jittery. I had a chance to go running later and I really felt fantastic! I feel like I'm not getting winded as fast, although my shin splints are still bothering me a bit. BUT! the more I run, the less they hurt! Weird huh? Anyway, I ran more tonight than I ever have before in one workout. A total of 3 laps running with 4 walking in between some of those. Mostly I run half and quarter laps, but tonight I managed to run a full lap without stopping! I was so proud of myself! And this is only my second full week of training! I'm so excited and I can't wait to go run again in the morning. :)

An up in the middle of all the downs!

Today has been fantastic compared to my wreck of a day yesterday. I started the day off right by going running/walking for 90 minutes with two of my besties, Meg and Kelt. It felt great! I then studied for my class, helped my mom prep for her surgery and picked up my brothers from day camp. After my class, I picked the kidders back up from Grandma's and got to spend the rest of the day with the little hoolagins (LOVE them!) while my dad stayed out at the hospital with my mom. She had knee surgery today, and they ended up having to do a little more than originally anticipated so she was in recovery for a long time. She came home though, looking exhausted, but walking! I know the healing time is a pain, but she will feel so much better! I ended the day the way I started. Another run/walk with Meg! I think I'm beginning to experience what is known as "runner's high" even though I can't run all that far yet without my shins screaming in pain. I managed 1/2 a mile this evening though and I'm so dang proud of myself! I will run this 5k yet and I'm so looking forward to crossing that finish line triumphant!

I also want to thank everyone who has helped me through this tremendously difficult time in my life. I couldn't have done it without the support of my friends and family! Love you all!

Dedicated to Holger Levon Grundvig

D&C 38:30 "if ye are prepared, ye shall not fear."

On July 11, 2010 at 11:09 AM, the world lost one of its most beloved, gentle, kind, and loving individuals, but Heavenly Father welcomed home one of his greatest children. My 83 year old grandfather, Holger Levon Grundvig passed away peacefully surrounded by his children and grandchildren last Sunday after a brief battle with mesothelioma.

My heart is broken and my soul aches. I've never struggled so hard in all my life. I can't imagine not having the gospel and the knowledge that I will be able to see him again. I love my grandpa so much and I miss him beyond belief, but I know that his mission in this life is complete and he is having a wonderful reunion on the other side.



I love you, Grandpa. Now, my guardian angel.

Did you ever know that you're my hero?
And everything I'd like to be?
I can fly higher than an eagle,
'Cause you are the wind beneath my wings.

Too Many Emotions

What a day... Full and long and full of strange feelings. My grandfather began chemotherapy today. I went over to visit him last night because I didn't know how sick he was going to be after beginning treatment today. I was so glad I went and saw him though, but it was possible the most painful thing I have ever experienced in my life. When I saw him nine days ago, he walked out to the fence to talk to me when I had been walking through the neighborhood with my mom. When I saw him yesterday, he could not even move from one chair to the other without having to stop and just inhale his oxygen. He couldn't even talk to me without struggling for air. It breaks my heart to see his struggling so much. My mom said he couldn't even walk to his appointment today. They had to go get a wheelchair for him. He has always been so strong, healthy and the rock in our family. The doctor told us that there is no cure for the type of cancer that he has. He is dying and basically his treatment is prolonging the inevitable and making it a little easier for him to breathe. It's so hard to think that he may not be at my next graduation. At my LPN or RN pinning. When I go through the temple for the first time. At my wedding... My grandma seems to be accepting what is happening and is doing much better, but there still can't be one without the other. I love my grandparents, the example they are to me and the love they have for me despite my weaknesses.

On a different note, tomorrow will be the end of my week one training for my couch to 5k program. Only nine more weeks to go! I'm feeling so much better with so much exercise and I have lost 3 inches on my waist. Why don't I feel better emotionally yet?

I finally snapped.

If you have been following my blog, you would have gotten the fact that I am trying really really hard to make a lifestyle change for the healthier. Well, something interesting happened yesterday. Something in me snapped. For months now, I have been trying to lose weight. Walking, working out at least 3+ times a week, yada yada yada, but I was still struggling. I've done nothing but maintain. Whoop-dee-do. I haven't even really pushed my walking endurance. So recently I've been trying to increase my level of activity to at lease 5+ workouts a week with some variety and the help and encouragement of some amazing friends. It seems to be helping a little bit. I suddenly had some motivation and decided it would be really awesome and very profound for me if I could do the local triathalon next summer. As I threw the idea out there, criticism and doubt that I would be able to do it came back at me from people I thought would support me. Even more responses of "Sure" and "Good luck with that" came when I suggested maybe I could be motivated enough to train and do a 5k in the fall. And that is when I snapped. Who are you to tell me what I will and will not be able to do?! I can do anything I set my mind to! I was so upset, I turned to the one person who has never stopped encouraging me. My hero. My older brother. He is going to be my partner in this. Even though I've never been a runner, nor enjoyed it, the thought of completing a 5k and later a triathalon has been fueling my motivation to do something to be healthier. And now, just to prove not only to myself, but all of those that call themselves my friends who don't think I can do it, you watch! I WILL run a 5k this fall, with Daron at my side! I am determined! Training began today and I feel awesome! It's going to be a long road, but if it will help me be happier, I will do it. A good friend said "Pain is just weakness leaving the body." I'm taking it to heart! Don't worry, updates will be frequent. :)

Inspired.

Have you ever had one of those days where you just had one realization after another? Today has been one of those days for me. I had the opportunity to go to the college ward for the first time in a long time because of my work schedule and things that have been going on with my family so it was a nice change. I realized how much I have missed it. It makes a very subtle difference in the day and the week and I have felt so much better today because of it. I also realized that even though my ability to forgive could also be considered a fault. I can't stop thinking there must be good in everyone and even though my full trust cannot be regained that quickly, I may be destroying better things in my life by giving the not so good another chance. (If that doesn't make sense, I'm sorry but I'm not going to elaborate anymore right now.) My most profound realization happened when I attended prayer meeting at the college stake tonight. One of my favorite bishops spoke on the spirit of service. He shared some very profound poems and I feel like I got a lot out of his talk. I realize how much I love serving others, especially since I am choosing to do it for the rest of my life through my career. I've also been thinking a lot lately about how I'm trying really hard to improve my health. I don't know how well it's working right now, but as far as my mental health goes, for those of you who know my story, I have finally been able to face and accept the shame for what happened a few years ago. My scars are a sign that I survived. Not a sign that I almost didn't.

That is all for now. More to come.

Upside down and inside out.

It has been more than two months since I last posted. I really felt like I didn't have anything to say, and when I did, it really wasn't anything I wanted to share with the world. But over the last three days, my world has been turned inside out and upside down. The best and the worst have happened and I really feel like I am not the same person I was a week ago. First things first: the worst. Late Friday night, I get a text from my mom telling me that my grandpa went out to the emergence room because he was having a lot of trouble breathing. Immeadiately I was concerned because my grandpa is one of the healthiest 84 year olds I know. I was working, so I couldn't really keep up with what was going on, so I asked my mom to keep me updated. They were doing a cat scan and we were just waiting for the results. After I got off work, there was no more developments so I went home and started getting ready for bed. At midnight, just as I was laying down, my mom called me. She was crying so I knew something had happened, but the words she spoke were the most unexpected and still have me reeling in shock. "Grandpa has cancer throughout his lungs and in his stomach. It doesn't look good."...
I had no idea what to say, nor how to react. I felt like I had been slapped in the face and kicked in the stomach simultaniously. As the news began to sink in, fear and anxiety washed over me like ice cold water. The next morning, I went to see my grandparents and my parents. No one in my family is taking the news well because of the unexpectedness and concern for my grandma. My grandparents have been married for more than sixty years and are still so in love. There can't be one without the other. My grandpa has been calm throughout all of this, but you can tell his worry is for the love of his life. I don't know what the future holds for my family. We don't even know what type of cancer or how bad it is yet. He goes to a cancer specialist next week, so we will know more soon.

On a different note, I began the nursing program officially today. Surprisingly I wasn't nervous at all. A lot of things were going through my mind all throughout my class this morning. It hit me like a ton of bricks that nothing in my life is going to be the same after today. I've never felt so alone. I feel like I am going through this all by myself. None of my friends are doing this with me, I'm not involved in anything any of them are doing anymore and I have to stay focused on my studies if I want to survive this program. But then again I know this is what I am supposed to be doing. I am where I'm supposed to be, alone or not. That doesn't make it any easier though. I just wish I had a little more confidience that the friendships I value the most won't suffer, and it will be all my fault.

And the result is....FINALLY!!

At long last...After two months of waiting, I finally heard from the nursing department. I think I'm more relieved that my life finally has direction again than I am about the actual result. Anyway, for the 2010-2011 school year I will be an LPN student in CEU's nursing school! I am so excited and really scared at the same time. It's been such an emotional roller coaster of a day. Especially since I knew the letter was sitting in the mail box at my parent's house this morning and I was stuck in lab for far too long before I was finally able to open the dang thing! I feel really good about the result however. I was beginning to doubt, but as soon as I opened that envelope and read my acceptance, I had the overwhelming sense that this was what was meant to happen. The timing is right, and nursing is indeed the career field meant for me. It still hasn't quite hit me yet...This weekend is so busy and full that I don't think I'm going to be able to fully grasp the situation until I have a few calm moments in my life. But for now, I feel pretty dang awesome.
Thank you so much to my parents and friends for supporting me! Espcially Carrie, V2, Rach, Ashton, Katherine, the Ambassadors, and Dr. B and Terry for being awesome references. But especially thank you to my bestie K-Dub, For just being supportive and always being here when I need it most. And for being there with me in what I feel was a life changing moment, and believing in me when I couldn't believe in myself. I don't know what I would do without you, and I'm so glad you were able to be there to share in my triumph!

It's going to be a long and rough road, but I'm ready and am facing the challenge head on! Let's do this shiz!

Still Effing Waiting...

The mail once again lacked a letter from the nursing department telling me what I'm doing for the next year of my life. But that's ok, I'll only be gone all weekend and unable to open it until Saturday night. That is, if it gets here before then...

Still Waiting...

Still no word from the nursing program. No biggie, it's only been two months and registration for fall starts tomorrow.

You guessed it...

Epic fail!
The massive blog post about spring break is still sitting in my drafts and isn't much longer than it was a few days ago...oops. I really had no time to do anything this weekend. Or so it feels like.
But once again, I just feel like blogging, so here goes:
Today has been a royal pain. I'm still waiting to hear from the nursing program, and I'm beginning to freak out a little bit. Either way I'm completely freaked out. I don't know what I want to do anymore. On the one hand, let's do this shiz. Get me through the program, I'm so done with school, with Price, with my life where it is at this point in time. On the other hand, I'm not ready! I still have classes to finish that I don't want to do at the same time, I don't know if I can do this!

What am I doing with my life?!

I made an alternate plan today and I don't know if I like it, but I don't see a whole lot of other doable options. I registered for summer and fall classes as if I hadn't made the nursing program. I also turned in my application for a student government position and signed up for an interview. I really wish I knew where my life is going next year. I'm sick of being stuck in this rut.

I don't understand

So it has been more than a month since I have had the time to post a blog. Far too long. I feel like so much has happened, and yet when I try to write it all down, it seems like not very much at all. Maybe it's just all in my head...Basically I have been waiting for the time to write this huge epic blog about my huge epic spring break trip with two of my besties. It's been sitting in my drafts since the day after we got home and I am going to finish it this weekend dang it!!
On another note, I have felt the need to sit down and write out some feelings I have been having, especially this past week. It seems like I always have extreme emotional weeks, good and bad, with a lot of variety. This week has been a week of deep thinking and wondering what the heck I am going to do with my life. Mostly I've been freaking out because I am still waiting to hear from the nursing program. It's been almost two months since I submitted my application and I'm not very patient. When I submitted, I felt confident that I would get in without a problem. Now I've had way too much time to stew over it and I'm not so sure anymore. And suddently I've been approached by two very close and trusted individuals in the very recent few days asking me to move away from Price with them if I don't get into nursing school this next year, to experience something new and just work for awhile. I must say the idea of moving away is very exciting and appealing, but I don't know if I'm ready to uproot myself from my hometown just yet. Another option that has been brought to my attention, and I'm taking steps to accomplish. I'm applying for several student government positions for next year to help occupy my time if I should decide to stay and go to school next year if nursing is denied me. The third option scares me the most. Actually getting into the nursing program. It's so rigorous and heaven knows I lack a lot of self discipline needed to get through it.
I feel like I'm at a point in my life that I stand alone. No one can help me make the next few decisions I make in life except for the higher power, and it's going to affect everything. I feel like my world is in shambles simply because I could go any different path in the next three months and I don't know which one is right. It's times like this that I miss more than ever the one person who loves me no matter what, is totally non-judgmental of my weaknesses, and is willing to let me cry on her shoulder in my worst moments. My mom. It's hard to accept that she can't help me make my decisions anymore. She can listen, offer advice, but ultimately, it's up to me.

The Greatest Thing You'll Ever Learn...

I just finished watching one of my all-time favorite movies: Moulin Rouge. I've been wanting to watch it for weeks and today I finally had a little bit of time so while I was doing my physiology labs, I stuck it in to play in the background. I can't even begin to describe how much I love it. It makes me bawl everytime. I really wish the world had more love in it and people who are as loving and giving as Christian. And why the heck can't life be more filled with music? I can't think of anything more perfect, music beginning where words fail. It gets the message across so much better and it's so much more emotionally involving which I really think a lot more people need in their lives. Plus it's an excuse to sing all the time! I know the ending of that movie is super sad, but the message it gives is a beautiful one. The greatest thing you will ever learn, is just to love and be loved in return. And it can indeed last forever.

Epic Weekend!

So this weekend was indeed so much better than this whole week. A lot of stress has been taken off of my shoulders because I don't have to worry about Microbiology anymore and just thinking about how I need to improve some of the things I have been doing, it's been a very enlightening few days. It's amazing to discover new things about yourself almost everyday.
So Friday was fantastic. I sang the national anthem at one of the SWAC games with a few of my fellow ambassadors and I feel like we did really well considering we put together a 4 part version of the song that morning and not all of us are avid singers. It was a really neat opportunity. Then, the testing center was having some difficulties so my physiology exam got postponed until Monday! Best news ever!! That evening was phemonenal!! I went with my good friend V2 up north to see the latest Tim Burton movie, Alice in Wonderland. It was SO GOOD!! I can't even describe how amazing it was! I absolutely loved it!! Tim Burton has done it again! Blown the population away with his mad movie skills and ability to capture the imagination. I cannot wait to go see it again and I highly recommend it to everyone! The acting was phemonenal, the speical effects were amazing and the twist on the story was incredible. We didn't get home until super late, but it was so worth it. Saturday was so fun as well. I spent the morning relaxing and catching up on some school things as well as cleaning around the house. Early afternoon I went to hang out with one of my best friends, Rach. We went shopping, then up to take care of her horse and then prepared for the party that was to take place later that night. We were having a late birthday celebration for myself and K-Dub. We began out the night with dinner with some of our good friends at Winger's. We spent nearly three hours there just enjoying each other's company and having a good time. We then proceeded to continue the evening's festivites with a mock-tail party at Rach's house. It was super fun! We mostly just visited and had a good time. One of the highlights of the night however was when we heard the fantastic news that CEU won their basketball game, making them the 2010 SWAC Champions!! I am so proud of our boys!! And what a great thing for CEU!! It was so great to spend the time with my best friends and get to celebrate my birthday (even though it was almost a month ago. haha.) with my best friend K-Dub. I couldn't have asked for better company. All in all, it's been a great two days. Now if I can make it through this next week, an epic journey awaits over spring break!

FN out! :D

What a week...

Have you ever had one of those weeks were absolutely nothing went right? If there was something that could go wrong, it did? That is what this week has been for me. I kept trying to think that it wasn't that bad when it was happening, but as I look back now, it was indeed that bad. I have never been so sick in all my life. It's amazing the things that stress does to the body. I've had stress sicknesses before, but never quite this bad. My appetite is gone and I've lost 10 pounds since Monday. That's four days. Not healthy. My main fear has been dehydration, so I've been pounding down the gatorade and that's probably what has saved me. What the heck, I'll just start from the beginning and share all the gory details!
Monday-started out like any other. Besides that it was K-Dub's B-DAY! Whoo! Got up early, went to the gym. Tummy wasn't feeling too good, kind of nauseated, tied up in knots. Thought it would go away, but it just got worse. Had a glass of sprite for breakfast to calm it down. It didn't work. Nauseated all day long, didn't dare eat lunch because I felt so sick and spent half the afternoon ready to bolt to the nearest container to dry heave in. Ugh. Napped for awhile, went to Rach's house to hang for a bit and had more sprite. Did not sleep well.
Tuesday-woke up feeling totally fatigued and weak. Still a little nauseated, but not as bad, more sprite and a banana for breakfast. Spent every spare moment of the morning studying for my dreaded microbiology exam that was to take place that afternoon. Didn't dare eat lunch, still feeling ill, decided to brave the test at 1 PM. Test went horribly. I couldn't remember a thing I had learned and had a minor freak out in the middle and ended up giving up on the stupid test without answering half the questions. Ouch. Went home and went to bed to try and sleep off the upsets. Ended up watching Beauty and the Beast (best Disney movie EVER!) and tried to look online to see what else needed to be done for my online class before Friday. Feeling a teensy bit better, thinking of hitting the sack early and BAM! my computer is overinfested with malware. MALWARE!!! ARGH!! Having already had a hard day, that did me in. I sat and cried over the stupid infestation before I finally managed to text K-Dub for advice. Luckily he could tell I needed help and came over to save the day and my computer.
Wednesday-as if the week couldn't get any worse. Still feeling a little fatigued, but ok. Went to the gym decided to weigh myself for fun and saw that I had lost six pounds since my last weigh in on Monday. And then only lasted twenty minutes before I had to make my first of about a million trips to the bathroom to be sick. Every twenty minutes until I finally could take some meds at 11:30 AM I visited the porcelain throne and who knew you could hold that much of anything?? Anyway, slept until my two thirty class and braved leaving the house again. Luckily I didn't have any more episodes until much later. After my two afternoon classes, I broke down and called my mom. I ended up going to my parent's house for the evening because my older brother was in Price for the day and my dad was going to help me with my taxes. Had two pieces of toast for dinner and managed to hold them down for awhile. My dad and brother gave me a priesthood blessing though, so I knew I could only get better. And it was so nice to be with my family. Although I would like to thanks Carbon County for screwing me over when it comes to taxes. Apparently I'm not good enough to claim as an employee so I had to file a 1099 and now owe the effing government money. See if I ever work for you again. Anyway, went home and managed to have a much better night's sleep.
Thursday-more tired than ever, but not feeling nauseated for once. Also woke up knowing what I have to do, even though I didn't want it to turn out this way. :( Managed to have a banana for breakfast, went to my morning lab and then went home. Managed to eat half a sandwhich for lunch, even though I was not feeling hungry. Had every intention of doing homework, but ended up sleeping because I had to work later. Work wasn't too bad, just hard because I've been feeling so weak. Got home, haven't felt hungry, and because it is so late, I opted for no dinner, decided to weigh myself again, just for kicks and discovered I'm now ten pounds down. I'm just glad I'm feeling better. What a week. The weekend better be better. Haha. And hopefully I get my appetite back. Or maybe it wouldn't be so bad if I didn't.

Last but not least, I have made the decision to drop microbiology. It's been super hard, but I know it has to be done. I'm too sick to keep up, and I have other things that need just as much, if not more focus. At least now I know what to do next time I take it. I'm just afraid that it's really going to mess up my nursing schedule, that is if I even get in the program. For the first time I'm doubting if I'm really cut out for school, for a stupid career and life in general. I feel like I'm giving up and that's not what I want to do at all. I don't know. Everything happens for a reason, and I just trust that Heavenly Father knows more about what it going on than I do.

Thanks to everyone who helped me survive this week, specifically K-Dub, Rach, V2 and my family. It can only get better from here.

"It will all be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end."

At the end of the day....

The end of the day is the hardest for me. I'm sitting home all alone, I usually can't sleep and my mind just goes a million miles an hour. Maybe this whole blogging thing will be something that I can use to occupy my mind. The only problem is that I'm usually such a private person about what is going on in my head because I'm pretty sure I fit in the catergory of crazy. haha. Anyway, work tonight was rough. I was only supposed to be there from four until eight (those of you who know what I do understand how draining my job is...), but some jerk on day shift decided that they couldn't come in tomorrow morning so us evening shifters have to save the day by coming in a five thirty tomorrow morning. ugh. long story short (too late), I had to stay til the end of shift (10pm) and I was not happy about it. And to top it all off, a walker was knocked over onto my foot and you would not believe how much it hurt. I half expected to see a massive bruise, but alas! no! Me being the beast I am now have a sore spot and nothing to show for it. :P I have so much homework to do and I'm working every day the rest of the weekend, so needless to say, I'm feeling a little overwhelmed and the fact that I've been so emotional the past few days has not been helping at all. It kind of like having vertigo without having the physical sense that the world is spinning. It's just my thoughts in my head and they are spinning so fast that I can't catch them. Weird. Anyway, I know I will survive, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, it's just a flippin' obstacle course to get there.


On a more positive note, I had a very profound realization today. And to be quite honest, it is what has gotten me through the rest of my day. Whilst I was sitting in the reeve's computer lab today, comtemplating my microbiology paper topic, sitting next to one of my favorite people in the universe, I realized that some things never change. People come and go, our surroundings change, we as people change physically, experiences shape us into who we are, but there are those few constants in life that even though circumstances change, they never do. Some people in our lives are meant to be there. Some people are supposed to know and understand us better that we can know and understand ourselves. I don't know, it probably sounds silly, but after the emptiness I've been feeling for days, it was a ray of sunshine in my life.


Tomorrow is going to be a better day! It has a few challenges in it, but now that my mind feels a little clearer, I know I can face them head on and get done what I need to get done! Bring on the challege and the world! After a good night's sleep and a good workout first thing in the morning, I will be ready!


FN out!

What I've learned in my twenty years of life...

So I posted this on facebook the day before my twentieth birthday (February 14) and I felt it very profound. I was reading it today because it's been kind of a hard, emotional day just with everything going on. It made me feel a lot better and I just wanted to share. Enjoy all!

1. Life is completely unfair. It's the hardest thing in the world to watch hopes and dreams that you have for yourself be accomplished by someone else. But even if you don't think you're good enough, it's at least worth a shot. If you never even try then you may never know what you are capable of


2. You must love yourself before you can love others. God made you the way you are for a reason, and He does not make mistakes. Take what you have and run with it. You have the power to make yourself better, so decide and do something.


3. The performing arts-specifically music-is the most gratifying and powerful things we can experience. It takes us somewhere far beyond ourselves. It plays on emotions and portrays a message that words alone are not capable of getting across. Without music, life is meaningless.


4. Kicking your brother because he stole some of your nachos is not a good idea. You could end up on crutches because of it and really, it's just food. It's not like you didn't still have some on your plate.


5. Family is the most important. You only get one and they are the ones that you have forever. Friends come and go, but family is in it with you for the long run. Little brothers are supposed to be annoying, older brothers are supposed to torture you to an extent and no matter where you are in the world of in your life, you will always need mom and dad.


6. Heartbreak is the hardest thing you could ever go through. Whether it is losing loved ones, or being rejected by the one you love, it sucks everytime and doesn't tend to get easier.


7. Friends are abundant. Best friends are few and far between. They are a privilege, never take them for granted because you may never find another person like your best friend.


8. Just because people develop other relationships, it doesn't mean you have been replaced. You will always mean something to the people that you have managed to touch their hearts and their lives, but they have to let other people in as well. They know you are still there and always will be. When they need you, they will come back.


9. Making other people smile and taking care of people makes it all worth it. Knowing that we are needed keeps us human and lets us practice our compassion.


10. If someone will not let you be yourself or help you out as much as you are willing to help them, it isn't worth it. If they cannot accept you for who you are, they don't deserve the privilege of calling you a friend.


11. No matter how much you think you studied in high school, you still have to study a million times more in college. And once you have the material mastered, there is more material to be studied. It never ends.


12. Never succumb to the sadness. Happiness is a choice even if you don't have the brain chemicals to be "happy." You have the power to change your circumstances. You aren't doing anyone, especially yourself, any good if you do nothing but focus on the negative. Staying positive is key.


13. No matter how bad it gets, it could always be worse. Which is why it always starts raining in the movies.


14. There are many kinds of beautiful. And everyone has some beautiful qualities in their unique ways.


15. All boys are stupid. Yes, ALL.


16. We are never alone no matter how many mistakes we make. Someone will be there to help you reconcile your situation, but you must be willing to accept the help and recognize that sometimes you can't do it on your own.


17. Having passion is the only way to live life to the fullest. It teaches you how much you can truly care about people and the beautiful things in life.


18. Even though you aren't a teenager anymore, being twenty really is not that old. You still have your whole life to figure everything out and accomplish your goals. Focus on the present and enjoy every moment you have.


19. You are the only person that you spend your whole life with, so make sure you can live with the decisions you make. It shapes you into the person you become.


20. Everyday is a brand new opportunity to chage you. If you aren't happy with where you are in life, DO something about it. Don't just mope on what COULD be done. Take action.
    

A new adventure...

So I pretty much decided to start a blog because everyone is doing it, and it really bugged me that I couldn't post comments on everyone else's blogs, so here I am! Blogging away! So I guess for my first post, I should share a little bit about myself. I'm a sophmore at a two-year college in my hometown studying pre-nursing. I'm an ambassador and enjoy being involved in leadership as well as participating in the choir and band. I have four brothers, one older, three younger. I love my family and friends and just having a good time.
I don't really have any good stories to share for this first post, other than I really should be doing homework, but instead I am watching my favorite TV show and blogging. Whoops. Haha! Well, let's call that good for the first post shall we? I will post again when I have a good story to share. FN out!