First post of November!

A new month has begun and I cannot believe that it is the second to last month of the year. Where has 2010 gone?? I don't know, discussing this year will be for another blog post. For now, I just need to vent. Work has been awful lately. I have not enjoyed going to work at all, administration is picking us apart for small mishaps and I'm really sick of feeling picked on. Contrary to popular belief, I'm not stupid and I do care about my job, what I do, and I try my best. But I'm human. I make mistakes. Especially when I've been doing the same thing for as long as I have. Also, I hate working full time. If I wasn't in school, wouldn't be half so bad, but I have no social life, no time for homework, I feel like no time for myself and my family. Not fun. Work blows, but I have made the choice to be a responsible adult, to make my own living, to take care of myself and to be independent. Every choice has consequences and this was my choice. Now I'm dealing with those consequences and should probably stop complaining. My poor brother has been unemployed for who knows how long and I have a great, steady, decent paying job that I usually enjoy doing. Shut up, Farrah. Just shut up.
Next item on the venting/thinking agenda. I met up with an old friend this past week who I had had a very unfortunate falling out with. We patched things up and it was absolutely fantastic. Of course we are nowhere near to what we were, but all the hurt is behind us, we're starting new and there is no more awkwardness! Yes! It felt so good, just to rid of the burden of wondering why we couldn't just work things out is gone and I've tasted sweet forgiveness. Given and recieved. (And I thought I never held a grudge...)
Speaking of friends (or my lack thereof at the moment...) I've kept feeling like I'm losing one of my most beloved friends. It feels like there is a distance between us that is slowly growing. I've spent hours upon hours trying to figure out what could be creating it, fueling it, causing it to grow and I could never put my finger on it. I kept thinking that they were just getting tired of me being around, they were distancing themselves because I was too needy, too outspoken, too selfish, too something. But it hit me like a ton of bricks a yesterday. When I was having one of my deep thinking moments (happens alot when you can't sleep...) I realized that some of my own foolish choices have created the chasm there. I've never been one to step out of my shell, my comfort zone, by myself, whatever. I've always needed the comfort of someone I knew to come with me to the party, be in the class with me, boost my confidence. Well, I've been following the wrong crowd, knowing good and well, it was going to get me into trouble one day. Because now I'm really out of my comfort zone. I'm standing out in the middle of nowhere all by myself wondering why (not how) the heck I'm there. I know full good and well how I got there, the question is why? Why did I make some of the choices I've made. Well to be honest, I don't really know, but the past cannot be changed. Moral of the story: my true friends will always be in the same place. Solid as a rock and immovable. I was the weak one and I have to find the will to pull myself back to my comfort zone that I so foolishly left. The immovable one will not step off the beaten path, only direct me how to find my way back to it. So now I am faced with another choice, feel sorry for myself, sit down where I am and quit, or tighten my belt and go against the current to get back to the place I should be even though it's not easy, it's not pleasant and it's going to hurt. Well, I may be weak, but I'm not a quitter. Motivation may not be abundant, but desire is. Once again I'm dealing with my consequences and these I like even less than working full time.
Sorry to be all weird. Tends to happen when I can't sleep and I think to much. And the fact that I've been working four days in a row, little sleep and an ever growing pile of homework doesn't really help. Good thing I get next weekend off.