Having a hard time finding my Big Girl Panties...

It has been so incredibly long since I've blogged because I figure not every blog that I post should be depressing. Well, I'm sorry people but that is what is going on in my life right now and if you don't like it, then don't read it.
For almost two weeks now I feel as though I have been stuck in the mud, spinning my wheels, going nowhere and making a bigger mess of things than they already were. The worst summer and/or 3 months of my life is coming to an end. The whole summer seems to be in somewhat of a fog and everything hurts too much to think about. My whole world has been turned upside down and I've spent especially the last week doing nothing but dwelling on that and having a flipping pity party about it. I haven't talked to hardly anyone, I've neglected all the important people in my life besides my mom and now I sit here realizing how truly alone I am. I've lost my best friend. 3 of my closest friends moved away to college this last week. I said good-bye to one of them. And now it's too late and I feel nothing but regret that I did not pull myself out of my hole to spend a little more time with them before they left. Old friends that left at the beginning of the summer have told me that I've been missed, asked me how I've been, tried to be encouraging. And I've ignored them. And now more time has gone by than I realized before and once again I regret that I did not take a little more time to reply, to do something. My friends that are right here with me have not seen or heard from me in weeks. And until recently, I didn't care. I only wanted to be alone to try and repair the hole in my heart that death left there. I never thought that I would fall apart in a situationlike this, to be put right back in the rut I thought I was finally crawling out of. I owe a lot of people apologies and I don't know how to go about repairing the damage that has been done.
I only hope this next semester is better. That I will be able to possibly figure out what I'm doing with my life. It's not going to be anything close to what I thought it was going to be less than a month ago, but I guess we have to accept change and work with what is in front of us.


Music is ever inspiring. Here's a song I hadn't heard in a long time and I feel describes what seems to be happening in my head right now.

"It's My Life"

Looking out the airplane window
Thirty thousand miles of shadow
All the silver linings bend into the night
Never any hesitation
Never any explanation
I wish I had a ticket off this flight

Everything keeps moving fast
What I want is what I have
Right now, I’m closer that I thought I could be

It’s my life, my time to find the answers
Don’t always know what kind of road is in front of me
But I’ll go slow wanna remember every moment
That this is by the goodness ride has ever been
It’s my life

In times I really miss my family
I wonder what they're doing right now
I know their thinking of me
I can’t imagine where I’m going
But I know where it is I come from
And it makes me feel complete

Everything keeps moving fast
What I want is what I have
Right now, I’m closer that I thought I could be

It’s my life, my time to find the answers
Don’t always know what kind of road is in front of me
But I’ll go slow wanna remember every moment
That passes by the goodness ride has ever been
It’s my life, it’s my life

And it’s a real good fight
Trying to find what’s mine
Tryin’ to be who I’m supposed to be
It’s my life, its my time to find the answers
Don’t always know what kind of road is in front of me
But I’ll go slow wanna remember every moment
That passes by the goodness ride has every thing
It’s my life