What is my problem? Good question.

I need some feedback. Honest feedback. I don't think the same way most people do and I certainly don't feel the way most people do and so I never know if what I am thinking and feeling is accurate or if I'm just being paranoid or if I'm not seeing the whole picture. Bear with me, it's been a long week.
So I'm still loving Cedar City. I love SUU and I love my classes and what I am learning. But I have never been so alone. I can't even express how much I miss my family, (FAMILY not Price.) and my friends who loved and accepted me no matter what. I feel like I have been forgotten by some people and despite efforts to maintain contact, I'm ignored. Do I need to make more effort? Do I just need to be patient? Am I being paranoid in thinking that they are glad they no longer have to see me? I know that seems silly or stupid to some people, but I can't help how I think and feel. I always knew that ours paths would not be side by side forever, but I can't help how important some people still are to me and it's killing me to be so far away. I think my biggest problem right now is that I'm not around people that know me well enough to know that I have serious needs that I'm not able to have filled. I need to be hugged. I need hugs on a daily basis and I'm not getting it. My brothers knew this and it makes me miss them that much more. I miss my Grandma for this reason and most of all, I miss my mom. I'm really hating growing up right now. I'm hating that I can't feel what is considered normal. But most of all I'm hating that I can't have my best friends right here with me when I need them the most.

Naughty Farrah!

I am so bad about updating my blog! Honestly, I keep forgetting and then when I remember, the stupid wi-fi decides that it's not going to work, for hours. Anyway, I'll do my best to fill in on all the important details...
3 weeks ago today I moved from my home town about 3 1/2 hours south to Cedar City to attend the university. I was so nervous about my roommate situation, employment situation, class situation and study situation. My roommates are phenomenal! There are four of us living in one apartment, and we ALL get along great! We are all so different, but we respect each other's property, preferences, and hobbies. We have "roommate dinner," "roommate movies," and "support which show your roommate wants to watch" dates. Which means I have started watching WWE 'Raw' and 'Teen Mom' as well as 'Jershey Shore' but it's so much fun! And I feel so lucky that I was put with such amazing people. I do think it's funny, however that all 3 of my roomies requested non-LDS apartment mates and they got stuck with me!
As far as class and study goes, I love my classes and I am loving what I am learning! Being in a new place and starting fresh has really made me remember how much I love to learn. I feel newly invigorated to keep up in every one of my classes and it is such a great feeling. As far as the employment situation goes, I'm still working on that one.
All the positive has not come with no negative however. I feel like I'm handling the challenges so much better despite past difficulties. I'm thinking clearly and logically and am trying so hard not to let the speedbumps bring me down. The first weekend after classes had begun we had a get together at our apartment with a group of people we had become friends with that mostly consisted of foreign exchange students. I found out by accident a few days later that I was known as 'The Ugly One' among several of them. My roommates and several others in the group had my back on that one though and certain individuals are no longer allowed over and I recieved a very heartfelt apology. It still hurt though. For those who know me, it's not hard to realize I'm somewhat self-conscious no matter how hard I try not to be. I managed to pick myself back up and dust off fairly easily from that one. I can't allow petty things like that to hinder me from moving forward. What good would it do to dwell on what some jerk said and let it affect how I see myself for the rest on my life? I'm not blind nor stupid. I know I'm not the most attractive person or the hottest thing on the block, but I'm comfortable in my own skin and I love who I am. I'm not perfect by any means, but I try very hard to constantly improve.
The next challenge was the passing of my Grandpa Nelson a few days ago. Although death is never easy, this death was taken as more of a relief than a true tragedy. He has been sick for years and he is now free of his suffering and is able to walk and talk easily and has been reunited with his family. I love my Grandpa and he will be greatly missed. Sadly I think I'm having more of a hard time than I usually would just because it is causing me to relive my Grandpa Grundvig's death which occured a little over a year ago. I still just have to be so grateful for the promise of eternal family.
Well friends, I think that's all the important things. I will try my best to keep up better with the blogging.

Envy or just plain irritation? I'd go with the latter.

So I just need to vent for one little second. I absolutely hate it when people lie. Especially to me and especially about something really stupid. Don't skirt around the truth, don't try to make excuses. I'd be a lot less angry if you just told me straight out and I didn't have to hear it from some other source like FREAKING FACEBOOK! Haven't we learned this lesson in the past?? I've been pissed off one too many times by you lately and it's not going to be pretty when I blow my top.

K, bye.

Addiction

All this goal obtaining and summer of happiness thing is proving much more difficult than originally anticipated. I think I'm trying to change too many bad habits at once and I really need to focus on one at a time to really make things efficient and a permanent change. In thinking about all of this I have come to the conclusion about one thing:

I'm an addict, and I freely admit it.

I'm addicted to sugar. I love anything with sugar in it. Cake, cookies, soda, candy, chocolate, syrup, ice cream, you name it, I love it. I'm a dessert person. I could skip real food and just have nothing but dessert and be one happy camper.

I'm addicted to caffeine. I love me some Mountain Dew, Dr. Pepper, Pepsi... I didn't realize how much I craved it, until I tried to stop drinking it. It's a problem.

I'm a fast food junkie. Mostly because I don't really like to cook or take the time to make things because I want my food NOW. This is a really big problem.

I'm addicted to sleep. I could sleep 16 hours a day and still feel like I need a nap. I'm sleeping my life away. Ridiculous.

I'm addicted to self criticism. I tear myself apart for the slip ups and because of that I don't think I'm ever going to succeed. I've always had a tendency to be extremely hard on myself because I know what I'm capable of, but I can never quite find the drive to do it.

Pretty much I need some advice. Who knows how to kick not only one addiction, but several?

Even more unexpected change.

I've heard it said that when we make plans, God laughs at us. I'm pretty much beyond doubt that it's true. Plans for me have changed drastically. I'm waiting to hear from financial aide. I no longer have anything to look forward to during the summer other than moving at the end of it. I did manage to find an apartment in Cedar, but I will be rooming with no one I know. And other than my bestie Ness, I'm going to be alone. All the fear I had about falling through the cracks have come rushing back. Don't get me wrong, I'm still optimistic and I still have high hopes for myself of achieving my dreams. I just can't help but feel a little bit terrified of this huge step I am taking. I am about to leave my home town where I have lived, grown up, and found comfort in for my full 21 years of life. I will be 3 1/2 hours away from my family and the majority of my friends who have held me together for the past few years. I still hold fast to the belief that everything happens for a reason. I am what I choose to be and right now I am choosing to be strong. I am choosing to make myself the best I can be. I am choosing to face the hurdles that have been placed in my path and clear them with everything I have. I know the path is not going to be easy and there will be many more unexpected challenges, but I will face them and I will be stronger for the everything. My life is my own and I only have one chance to make it all that I can be and I plan to do that.

The end of an era.

This past week has been so crazy! It's been finals week at the college and I've been having so many mixed emotions because my time at CEU (It's official title may have changed but it will always be CEU to me.) has come to a close. Graduation weekend was amazing. I was presented with the Outstanding Music Student of the year award at a ceremony Friday night. It was such an amazing surprise! And then commencement on Saturday. Even though I almost slept through Graduation, (Seriously!) it was so rewarding to walk across that stage and recieve my diploma. (or at least the case for it...) An associates degree may not be a huge deal, but for me, it was a hard earned accomplishment. Saying good-bye to friends was heart-breaking, but I know that this chapter of my life will always be so meaningful and I will never ever forget the people who were a part of it.
Sunday was amazing. I had the opportunity to witness the baptism of my best friend. It was an incredibly spiritual experience that I'm so grateful I was able to be a part of. And then my little brother was ordained to the office of a deacon which was also a great experience. Time with family and friends, it just doesn't get any better.

After the awards ceremony!

My mom, me and my grandma Grundvig after commencement!

My two besties!



And one last adventure. Love these two!!

Summer Goals

Ok friends!! Here are my goals that I am hoping will help to be happier not just over the summer, but will be the beginning of good habits that will help me stay happy for a lifetime!

The most important goal:

BE FARRAH!

I'm not going to pretend or try to force myself to like anything. Everything I do is going to be done with the attitude that I am trying to better myself and make myself happier!!

PHYSICAL HEALTH:
Exercise at least 4-5 times a week for at least an hour for each workout. I'm also not going to link my exercise to weight loss. Weight loss will be an added bonus. I'm exercising because it's something I enjoy doing, it's time spent on myself, for myself to increase energy and keep me sane!

I would like to run a 5k and a 10k by the end of the summer.

MENTAL HEALTH:
"It's easier to keep a clean house clean than to clean a dirty house." - Rachel Ryan
Keep my room, my bathroom and my study area clean. Organization has never been my strong point so it's time I started some good habits before I move out on my own in August.

Read at least 10 books on my 'Want to Read' book list. Specifically the complete edition of Les Miserables by Victor Hugo, The counte of Monte Cristo by Alexander Dumas and Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte.

Gain and maintain a decent sleep schedule. No more staying up til 4 am and sleeping til noon...

Keep up on my week by week chart for my goals.


I know they don't seem like much, but it's the small changes that matter the most. I have a few more fairly intimate goals that I'm going to keep to myself, but hopefully you'll be able to see the benefits reaped by keeping all my goals! So excited! Updates will be frequent!!

PS - Anyone interested in having their own summer of happiness, I highly recommend checking out this website: www.happinessprojecttoolbox.com There you can set up charts, goals and see inspiring posts and goals that other people are trying to accomplish.