What is my problem? Good question.

I need some feedback. Honest feedback. I don't think the same way most people do and I certainly don't feel the way most people do and so I never know if what I am thinking and feeling is accurate or if I'm just being paranoid or if I'm not seeing the whole picture. Bear with me, it's been a long week.
So I'm still loving Cedar City. I love SUU and I love my classes and what I am learning. But I have never been so alone. I can't even express how much I miss my family, (FAMILY not Price.) and my friends who loved and accepted me no matter what. I feel like I have been forgotten by some people and despite efforts to maintain contact, I'm ignored. Do I need to make more effort? Do I just need to be patient? Am I being paranoid in thinking that they are glad they no longer have to see me? I know that seems silly or stupid to some people, but I can't help how I think and feel. I always knew that ours paths would not be side by side forever, but I can't help how important some people still are to me and it's killing me to be so far away. I think my biggest problem right now is that I'm not around people that know me well enough to know that I have serious needs that I'm not able to have filled. I need to be hugged. I need hugs on a daily basis and I'm not getting it. My brothers knew this and it makes me miss them that much more. I miss my Grandma for this reason and most of all, I miss my mom. I'm really hating growing up right now. I'm hating that I can't feel what is considered normal. But most of all I'm hating that I can't have my best friends right here with me when I need them the most.

Naughty Farrah!

I am so bad about updating my blog! Honestly, I keep forgetting and then when I remember, the stupid wi-fi decides that it's not going to work, for hours. Anyway, I'll do my best to fill in on all the important details...
3 weeks ago today I moved from my home town about 3 1/2 hours south to Cedar City to attend the university. I was so nervous about my roommate situation, employment situation, class situation and study situation. My roommates are phenomenal! There are four of us living in one apartment, and we ALL get along great! We are all so different, but we respect each other's property, preferences, and hobbies. We have "roommate dinner," "roommate movies," and "support which show your roommate wants to watch" dates. Which means I have started watching WWE 'Raw' and 'Teen Mom' as well as 'Jershey Shore' but it's so much fun! And I feel so lucky that I was put with such amazing people. I do think it's funny, however that all 3 of my roomies requested non-LDS apartment mates and they got stuck with me!
As far as class and study goes, I love my classes and I am loving what I am learning! Being in a new place and starting fresh has really made me remember how much I love to learn. I feel newly invigorated to keep up in every one of my classes and it is such a great feeling. As far as the employment situation goes, I'm still working on that one.
All the positive has not come with no negative however. I feel like I'm handling the challenges so much better despite past difficulties. I'm thinking clearly and logically and am trying so hard not to let the speedbumps bring me down. The first weekend after classes had begun we had a get together at our apartment with a group of people we had become friends with that mostly consisted of foreign exchange students. I found out by accident a few days later that I was known as 'The Ugly One' among several of them. My roommates and several others in the group had my back on that one though and certain individuals are no longer allowed over and I recieved a very heartfelt apology. It still hurt though. For those who know me, it's not hard to realize I'm somewhat self-conscious no matter how hard I try not to be. I managed to pick myself back up and dust off fairly easily from that one. I can't allow petty things like that to hinder me from moving forward. What good would it do to dwell on what some jerk said and let it affect how I see myself for the rest on my life? I'm not blind nor stupid. I know I'm not the most attractive person or the hottest thing on the block, but I'm comfortable in my own skin and I love who I am. I'm not perfect by any means, but I try very hard to constantly improve.
The next challenge was the passing of my Grandpa Nelson a few days ago. Although death is never easy, this death was taken as more of a relief than a true tragedy. He has been sick for years and he is now free of his suffering and is able to walk and talk easily and has been reunited with his family. I love my Grandpa and he will be greatly missed. Sadly I think I'm having more of a hard time than I usually would just because it is causing me to relive my Grandpa Grundvig's death which occured a little over a year ago. I still just have to be so grateful for the promise of eternal family.
Well friends, I think that's all the important things. I will try my best to keep up better with the blogging.

Envy or just plain irritation? I'd go with the latter.

So I just need to vent for one little second. I absolutely hate it when people lie. Especially to me and especially about something really stupid. Don't skirt around the truth, don't try to make excuses. I'd be a lot less angry if you just told me straight out and I didn't have to hear it from some other source like FREAKING FACEBOOK! Haven't we learned this lesson in the past?? I've been pissed off one too many times by you lately and it's not going to be pretty when I blow my top.

K, bye.

Addiction

All this goal obtaining and summer of happiness thing is proving much more difficult than originally anticipated. I think I'm trying to change too many bad habits at once and I really need to focus on one at a time to really make things efficient and a permanent change. In thinking about all of this I have come to the conclusion about one thing:

I'm an addict, and I freely admit it.

I'm addicted to sugar. I love anything with sugar in it. Cake, cookies, soda, candy, chocolate, syrup, ice cream, you name it, I love it. I'm a dessert person. I could skip real food and just have nothing but dessert and be one happy camper.

I'm addicted to caffeine. I love me some Mountain Dew, Dr. Pepper, Pepsi... I didn't realize how much I craved it, until I tried to stop drinking it. It's a problem.

I'm a fast food junkie. Mostly because I don't really like to cook or take the time to make things because I want my food NOW. This is a really big problem.

I'm addicted to sleep. I could sleep 16 hours a day and still feel like I need a nap. I'm sleeping my life away. Ridiculous.

I'm addicted to self criticism. I tear myself apart for the slip ups and because of that I don't think I'm ever going to succeed. I've always had a tendency to be extremely hard on myself because I know what I'm capable of, but I can never quite find the drive to do it.

Pretty much I need some advice. Who knows how to kick not only one addiction, but several?

Even more unexpected change.

I've heard it said that when we make plans, God laughs at us. I'm pretty much beyond doubt that it's true. Plans for me have changed drastically. I'm waiting to hear from financial aide. I no longer have anything to look forward to during the summer other than moving at the end of it. I did manage to find an apartment in Cedar, but I will be rooming with no one I know. And other than my bestie Ness, I'm going to be alone. All the fear I had about falling through the cracks have come rushing back. Don't get me wrong, I'm still optimistic and I still have high hopes for myself of achieving my dreams. I just can't help but feel a little bit terrified of this huge step I am taking. I am about to leave my home town where I have lived, grown up, and found comfort in for my full 21 years of life. I will be 3 1/2 hours away from my family and the majority of my friends who have held me together for the past few years. I still hold fast to the belief that everything happens for a reason. I am what I choose to be and right now I am choosing to be strong. I am choosing to make myself the best I can be. I am choosing to face the hurdles that have been placed in my path and clear them with everything I have. I know the path is not going to be easy and there will be many more unexpected challenges, but I will face them and I will be stronger for the everything. My life is my own and I only have one chance to make it all that I can be and I plan to do that.

The end of an era.

This past week has been so crazy! It's been finals week at the college and I've been having so many mixed emotions because my time at CEU (It's official title may have changed but it will always be CEU to me.) has come to a close. Graduation weekend was amazing. I was presented with the Outstanding Music Student of the year award at a ceremony Friday night. It was such an amazing surprise! And then commencement on Saturday. Even though I almost slept through Graduation, (Seriously!) it was so rewarding to walk across that stage and recieve my diploma. (or at least the case for it...) An associates degree may not be a huge deal, but for me, it was a hard earned accomplishment. Saying good-bye to friends was heart-breaking, but I know that this chapter of my life will always be so meaningful and I will never ever forget the people who were a part of it.
Sunday was amazing. I had the opportunity to witness the baptism of my best friend. It was an incredibly spiritual experience that I'm so grateful I was able to be a part of. And then my little brother was ordained to the office of a deacon which was also a great experience. Time with family and friends, it just doesn't get any better.

After the awards ceremony!

My mom, me and my grandma Grundvig after commencement!

My two besties!



And one last adventure. Love these two!!

Summer Goals

Ok friends!! Here are my goals that I am hoping will help to be happier not just over the summer, but will be the beginning of good habits that will help me stay happy for a lifetime!

The most important goal:

BE FARRAH!

I'm not going to pretend or try to force myself to like anything. Everything I do is going to be done with the attitude that I am trying to better myself and make myself happier!!

PHYSICAL HEALTH:
Exercise at least 4-5 times a week for at least an hour for each workout. I'm also not going to link my exercise to weight loss. Weight loss will be an added bonus. I'm exercising because it's something I enjoy doing, it's time spent on myself, for myself to increase energy and keep me sane!

I would like to run a 5k and a 10k by the end of the summer.

MENTAL HEALTH:
"It's easier to keep a clean house clean than to clean a dirty house." - Rachel Ryan
Keep my room, my bathroom and my study area clean. Organization has never been my strong point so it's time I started some good habits before I move out on my own in August.

Read at least 10 books on my 'Want to Read' book list. Specifically the complete edition of Les Miserables by Victor Hugo, The counte of Monte Cristo by Alexander Dumas and Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte.

Gain and maintain a decent sleep schedule. No more staying up til 4 am and sleeping til noon...

Keep up on my week by week chart for my goals.


I know they don't seem like much, but it's the small changes that matter the most. I have a few more fairly intimate goals that I'm going to keep to myself, but hopefully you'll be able to see the benefits reaped by keeping all my goals! So excited! Updates will be frequent!!

PS - Anyone interested in having their own summer of happiness, I highly recommend checking out this website: www.happinessprojecttoolbox.com There you can set up charts, goals and see inspiring posts and goals that other people are trying to accomplish.

This is how a heart breaks.

So I know that I promised that my next post would be a detailed list of goals. I'm working on it, I will have it done before I go to work tomorrow, but I just need to vent for one little second.

I had my heart broken today. The boy I've had a crush on since I was 9 years old proposed to his girlfriend over the weekend. I've known since high school that I never had a chance with him, but in a sense he was my first love and I can't help but hurt a little. And cry a little. I'll get over it, I'll be fine and I'm still very optimistic about my goals etc, I just had to tell my loyal bloggers who would understand. You never forget the first person who captures your heart for whatever reason, and you can't help but hope just a little. Until they get engaged.

The Summer of Happiness

I can't believe that my 30 Day Blog Challenge is over! I've had so much fun doing it and I really enjoy blogging. But now the problem is, what to blog about? My life tends to be fairly boring and sometimes I forget that people don't want to know certain details of my life. If you have been following my blog, particularly before I started my blog challenge, you know that I have been struggling lately with being content with who I am, where I am, what I've been doing, and moreover being happy. I have a wonderful friend who recognized my struggles and sent me some inspiration. What she had to tell me and the book she sent me really made me look at things and once again I am evolving as a person. Chelsea's inspiration as well as the events of my bestie getting baptized have really made me remember what is important in life. Because of this I have decided to implement some changes in my life in order to make myself happy. I'm calling it "The Summer of Happiness" and I plan to use my blog to keep myself accountable for my goals and to hopefully inspire other people to be happier as well!

First things first: Who am I?
I've realized my biggest problem has been that I have been trying so hard to fit in and like things that I don't actually like, that I have been making myself unhappy and trying to convince myself that I like things I don't actually like. For the past week I have been trying really hard to implement the rule of "Be Farrah." If people can't respect me for who I am, likes and dislikes, then they aren't really my friends. And the friends that I have now, I know will love me no matter what. And you know, being myself and made me feel so much better and my friends are still my friends! WHOA!!
Examples:

• I am a tomboy. Always have been, always will be. I don't really like girly things like makeup, fingernail polish, doing my hair, super cute shoes, girly clothes, shopping, etc. I've tried so hard to convince myself that I do like those things because I am a girl, but you know what? I like wearing tennis shoes, my hair in a ponytail, little makeup, being active, burping, laughing out loud, t-shirts, getting dirty, and hanging tough. That's me, and I'm ok with that. Yes, I have feminine qualities and I can act like a lady, but I am who I am and I like what I like and I like being a tomboy!


• I'm a tease. Sometimes I forget that teasing is inappropriate in certain situations, but humor is a huge part of my nature and I love being silly, making a fool of myself, cracking jokes, and seeing the humor in every situation. I have often been afraid of what people will think of me when I make my sarcastic comments so I would often stay quiet, but you know what? I come up with some pretty funny stuff! I'm loud and proud!


• Contrary to popular belief and my body type, I'm fairly naturally athletic and have always loved being active. In jr high and high school, the group of friends I hung out with weren't really into sports and because I was fairly insecure, I didn't want to play sports by myself, so I stopped playing them all together. I miss it now and it's one of my biggest regrets. I want to become active again and play sports, particularly softball!

I already have quite a few goals that I want to accomplish this summer and I'm so excited! Even though it might seem selfish for me to be focusing so much on myself, I don't see it that way. When I'm trying to make myself happy, it's so much easier to make other people happy! My goal is to post at least twice a week about the progress of my goals. My next posting will be a detailed list of those goals so you can all hold me accoutable! Also, if anyone would like to start some group goals, let me know! I'm willing to have all the help and support I can get! And if I can help you be happy too, then it will make it that much more worth it. :)

The book that started the inspiration! THANK YOU CHELSEA!! I highly recomment it to anyone and everyone!

Day 31

Day 31 - A photo of me today and three good things that have happened today.

#1 - It's my daddy's birthday!! Happy big 5-2 Dad!!

#2 - I finished the fantastic book I started yesterday! No Limits: The Will to Succeed by Michael Phelps. Loved it.

#3 - I got to spend a few hours with my family!

Day 30

Day 30 - Something I could never get tired of doing.

I will never get tired of laughing. I love to laugh, I love to make people laugh and I love to be silly. I love to do the unpredictable, I love to crack jokes and I love to be sarcastic. I go by the belief that laughter is the best medicine!

Farrah + dangerous objects = you should probably stay at least 20 feet away.

I love trying to climb through spaces I obviously won't fit! While Lisha is touching my bum!

Day 29

Day 29 - My biggest pet peeve.

There really aren't that many things that really peeve me to the point of not being able to stand it. I'm very tolerant and easy going and try my best to see the good in people. But there is one thing that I do not have a tolerance for and that is dishonesty. Don't lie to me. Don't lie about me to others. Don't lie about yourself and make up excuses. Lying creates distrust and is just plain low. It shows that liars have no character and no class. Tell the truth, even if it's hard because then you never have to wonder what stories you told people and tell more lies to cover your previous lies.

Day 28

Day 28 - My favorite movie.

The Princess Bride has been my favorite movie since I was a kid. I used to watch it over and over and over and over and drive my family nuts! I still watch it quite often and it never gets old! Pretty sure I could quote the whole thing by heart.

"Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line! A-ha-ha-ha!! A-ha-ha-ha!! A-ha-ha-ha--"

Day 27

Day 27 - A picture of me last year and how I've changed since then.

Oh my, how I have changed. I've come to realize though that we as people are constantly evolving by the people around us, by the events that happen and the choices we make. One year ago, I had just found out I was selected for the nursing program at CEU for 2010-2011 school year. My time as an ambassador was winding down and I thought I was ready for all the new experiences that were about to come my way. I was feeling pretty good about life. I was nervous for all the changes, but I was so excited. Wow, how things changed...

Last year at Eagle Frenzy. I met the magician, Dan Sperry, that had done part of the night's entertainment.

Day 26

Day 26 - My most recent entertainment.

Books. Books have been my most recent entertainment. I've picked up reading again to keep my mind occupied during my few and far between moments when I have nothing else to do. Basically my lunch break at work. But there is just something so satisfying about holding a book in your hands and letting the words take you into another world.

Day 25

Day 25 - A photo of something that means a lot to me.

I would just like to say that in the list of things to blog about each day, there is no Day 24. But there is a Day 31. So really it's a 31 Day Blog Challenge minus Day 24. I'm not relabeling all my posts, so whatever.

Something that means a lot to me. There are a lot of things that mean a lot to me. Many of them, such as my family, friends, talents, hobbies, pets, possessions etc, fit in other posts and I figure I should talk about the thing that means the most to me right now.

The Atonement of Jesus Christ. I have a strong testimony of the power of the Atonement. I know that my elder brother died for me so that I could live with him and my Heavenly Father forever. He loves me so much that he sweat great drops of blood, felt every pain, hurt and emotion I have ever felt so that I would know that I am not alone.

Day 23

Day 23 - My dream house. So once again, I'm kind of weird and haven't really thought about my dream house...Mostly because I kind of have yet to think about my life beyond being a poor college student and living in an apartment. Basically all I know is that when I do finally have a house of my own I want a music room with a baby grand piano, vaulted ceilings, and enough room to keep bookshelves with sheet music as well as electronic music and an ihome to play music on. Also room for a couch so that it can be the room I teach flute lessons in as well. I also want a home theatre in the basement because I'm a movie junkie! And I guess bedrooms and a bathroom would be good too...

Day 22

Day 22 - My favorite trip I have been on. So in thinking about which trip to use for this blog, I realized I haven't been on all that many trips. I don't really travel all that much and I have never been outside of the western United States other than a random trip barely across the Mexican border. I've been 1/2 a mile into Mexico, whoopee. Anyway, the trip I chose was Spring Break 2010 for a few reasons. Number one because it was a freaking phemonenal trip. Number two it was the first time I went on a pretty major trip without my parents or a school group. It was solely planned by me and the two friends I went with. That trip proved to me, Kelt and Nessa that yea, we can live without our parents and be ok. We can survive in the 2nd largest metropolitan area in the United States on our own for a whole week! It was a little scary, but I did a lot of growing on that trip. And it was with two of my absolute best friends in the whole world which just made it that much better! And we are on our way!!

A quick stop at the beach! Just FYI: Even though the weather is fantastically warm, the ocean is freezing in March!!

Chilling in Disneyland! Ness and I showing our Helena pride! (Helena as in Helena Bonham Carter, NOT Helen of Troy or your wife Helena!)

Being creepers on the Tower of Terror! Oh look! We ran into Lisha and Tanner!

On our last day at DL/Cali Adventure. Taking a moment to enjoy the beautiful waterfall. :)

Day 21

Day 21 - A photo of something that makes me happy. The beach. The beach makes me very happy. Particularly Redondo Beach in southern California. And especially when I am there with two of my very best friends. I love the smell, the sound, the feel, and the power of the ocean. I just think it is so beautiful. It is on my bucket list to own a beach house someday and spend at least one summer of my life just soaking up the sun and loving the sand and the water.

Day 20

Day 20 - The meaning behind my blog name. Pretty self explanatory really. I started this blog to share the stories of my life with others. Everyone has a story and I love being able to hear about the things people have done with their lives. Everyone has a different and unique story that is theirs and no one else's. This is my life, and these are my stories.